Now There’s A “Smart Condom” That Tells All About Your Sex Life

Imagine if your fitness device that counts calories and helps you boost your athletic performance could be used in the bedroom? Well, there’s a new gadget called the i.Con that knows the ins and outs of your sex life. Here’s what you need to know about it.

1. It’s the world’s first “smart condom.” The i.Con can give you interesting facts about the sex you’re having, such as how many calories you’re burning during a steamy sex session and how many positions you and your new lover are trying over a week, month, or year. You know, in case you lose track.
2. It was developed by British Condoms. The company will sell the i.Con exclusively and it will cost you approximately $73. It should be available by the end of the year. But don’t even think of getting it as a Christmas gift for your partner, okay?
3. It’s like a fitness device, just creepier. Okay, so the i.Con is basically a ring that goes onto a man’s penis and can last up to eight hours after being charged. During sex, it uses nano-chip technology and sensors to measure different factors, such as how many thrusts your partner is doing. Then it transmits the data via Bluetooth to the i.Con app where you can later view the info.
4. Fyi, it’s not an actual condom. It’s called the “smart condom” but it’s really just a device that goes onto the condom the guy’s wearing during sex. It’s apparently comfortable, water-resistant, and lightweight. It’s worth remembering that although the i.Con is water-resistant, condoms aren’t, so shower sex is off the table.
5. It’s anonymous. The information that gets sent to the i.Con site remains anonymous unless you want to share it with your friends or other people on the app. Yes, really. Imagine sending out such private information or seeing it on people’s Facebook newsfeeds in future? Ugh, as if we don’t get enough TMI on social media!
6. It turns sex into science class. It feels like sex is becoming way too scientific with gadgets like this. Having wearable tech during exercise or other tasks feels productive, but why should you know all these things about your sex life? Shouldn’t it remain mysterious and fun?
7. It’s awkward AF. Remember the awkwardness with stopping foreplay to remind a guy to put on a condom? Now imagine saying, “Oh, put this on too” and having to explain to him that you want to measure his performance. Why the heck would you need to do that?
8. It gets even more awkward. One of the i.Con’s functions is measuring the girth of a man’s penis. WTF? Apparently, it can be adjusted to fit any man so while he’s strapping it on, he can also see his measurements. Isn’t there enough obsession with the male penis size? Do we really need tech that makes it worse? Geez.
9. It might have one good thing, though. Before you write off the i.Con as something stupid, there might be a pro to using it in the bedroom. The i.Con is going to have an “antibodies filter” in it that will alert you via smartphone if it detects any STI proteins or antigens in your partner. Apparently, this feature is still a work in progress and being medically tested. So, the i.Con might actually be great for dealing with guys who promise that they’re clean and have been tested when they really haven’t.
10. But there’s a catch. Ideally, the i.Con should notify you about STIs the second your partner puts it on. That also means, though, that you’ll have to have your smartphone handy to wait for that notification. But will the i.Con be able to spot any and every STI? There are just too many questions here! Instead of trying to find out if your partner has an STI in such a sneaky way, why not just agree to go get tested together? A blood test is the only way to know for sure.
11. It can make you sexually self-conscious. It’s not just your boyfriend who’s probably going to feel awkward about using the i.Con. You might feel like you’re not having great sex if you share the data with the rest of the world through the i.Con app and see that people are having more sex or trying more positions than you are. It’s a guaranteed way to create problems that weren’t there in the first place.
12. Sex isn’t a goal. What, are you training for the Olympics or something? If you use tech like the i.Con, it turns sex into some sort of ego-boosting goal or achievement. It’s supposed to be something you and your partner enjoy, not stress about.
    
13. Start talking, ditch tech. Instead of dealing with problems like a dissatisfying sex life by talking to your partner about it, using sex tech to make sex better is a waste of time and money. How the hell can it be healthy for your relationship or get your sexual needs met?
14. Great sex can’t be measured. Sex isn’t something you can measure. The really great things that happen during sex, like how you feel, can’t be reduced to data or a number of thrusts. Those feelings are one of the guaranteed signs you’re having great sex and no gadget or condom will ever be able to tell you about it.