I’m so much happier now than I ever was with my ex and I do truly want him to find that for himself. Of course, that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard as hell to see him smiling and laughing without me around. No matter how much I want to pretend it doesn’t bother me, the truth is that it does.
- Part of me wants him to suffer. After everything he put me through, there’s a considerable chunk of me that hopes he wallows forever in the reality of his douchey-ness. That he never knows what it’s like to love again because he doesn’t deserve that kind of happiness. But at the same time, I do want what’s best for him. He was a huge part of my life for so long and though those feelings are long gone, I’ll never forget what we shared.
- I can’t help but wonder if he still misses me. Though we haven’t spoken since I walked away (which is a good thing), sometimes I lie awake wondering if he’s thinking about me. Is he replaying conversations in his head? Is he wishing things had ended differently in terms of the way our breakup played out? What feelings come up for him when he thinks about those final moments and are they the same as mine?
- He seems so happy and I wonder who’s responsible for it. His smiling face looks back at me from his Instagram feed but the other person has been cut out from the picture. Is it a new girl, one he’s not ready to share with the social media world? Is it just a friend, one of the ones who’ve had his back since I said I couldn’t anymore? Is it a family member, one he probably told lies about me to so they wouldn’t question where I’ve gone? Wondering is driving me crazy.
- I wonder if he regrets the way he treated me. Though I got a half-hearted apology a couple of times, I’ll never know if he truly understands what he put me through, and if he does, if he wishes he’d acted better. Does he justify his controlling actions, the ones that completely destroyed me? Or, does he wish he could do it all again and treat me the way I deserved but he seemed incapable of?
- I want him to see how much better off I am now? I don’t post pictures of my amazing life just to rub it in his face, but it’s part of it. Does he see how much I love my new city, my new jobs and the life without him in it? Is he jealous of my new guy, the one who’s more of a man than he could ever be and who treats me better than he ever did? Does he refresh my feed constantly just to see me smile over and over, knowing he’ll never be the cause of my grin?
- I wonder how he feels seeing me so happy. Some days I imagine he’s happy for me. Others, I picture him punching holes in the walls of the bedroom we used to share or being nasty to everyone around him because he doesn’t know what to do with his anger except take it out on other people.
- If he has a new girlfriend, I wonder if she knows what he put me through. Part of me thinks she probably doesn’t. After all, why would you start dating a guy you know doesn’t understand how to be in a mature, healthy relationship?
- It’s human nature to hold onto the good. No matter how bad it got, how painful it was, or how unfairly I was treated, it’s only natural that when I’m vulnerable, my thoughts are pulled back to the rare yet important times when I was happy (or at least I thought I was).
- I get hung up on the idea that he might’ve changed. I don’t know if I believe it, but I can’t help but wonder if he could have been the man that I needed… eventually. Could he have changed his rigid ways, listened to me more, and tried to give me something other than desperation? I guess I’ll never know.
- Deep down, I know it never would’ve worked out. Even if things had improved, my gut, heart, and head all know it wouldn’t have been enough. There was a fundamental difference in what we saw for ourselves in the future, and no amount of compromise would have been able to overcome the different worlds we found ourselves on.
- There’s a middle ground between regret and indifference. Some days I’m so angry and resentful that I can barely stand it; others I’m grateful for what I went through because I learned more lessons than I ever imagined. Most days, I’m somewhere in between. I can be thrilled the relationship is over and still glad it happened. I can want nothing to do with him ever again and still want him to be happy.
