When you’re young, you make some really stupid decisions — that was definitely the case with my taste in guys. My first real relationship was a total disaster, and I really wish I could have told my then-20-year-old self these important things — it definitely would have saved me a lot of trouble.
- Trust your gut above all else. I knew something was wrong in the relationship but I chose to ignore it. The guy was constantly mentioning a female colleague and there was often something that just didn’t feel right when he’d tell me things about his weekend or where he’d been when he hadn’t answered my calls. I wish I had listened to that inner voice instead of what the cheating douchebag had told me. I also wish I had listened to my gut more than what friends were saying, trying to please me by saying that I was just being paranoid. Deep down I knew the truth.
- Mutual interests are more important than you think. The guy and I didn’t really have anything in common. He liked movies, I liked the books on which they were based; he liked to do things like go shooting and on safaris, and I would rather have avoided both. I thought our love mattered more than our shared interests, but it resulted in me having to compromise a lot. This meant spending many weekends doing things I really didn’t want to. I didn’t realize that relationships are supposed to be fun and happiness should feel natural most of the time, not be forced into compromise.
- He won’t be your last chance at love. I really believed that guy was the only one for me and that I would never meet anyone else. So when he broke my heart, I feared that I had had my chance at love and it wasn’t going to happen again. I wish I could have told myself to stop being so dramatic! I was going to have much greater experiences, and much worse too, but there would be lots of love out there for me.
- He’s aged badly. It sounds mean but when I saw my ex on social media, I couldn’t help but notice how badly he had aged. The guy hasn’t taken care of himself and looked like a wreck. When I was with him I had thought he was boyishly handsome and it pained me to lose such an attractive guy. He thought he was all that, cheating on me and behaving like a bad boy, but his looks seriously faded and it served him right.
- You really deserved more. I didn’t have much self-confidence back then and I stuck with that guy thinking I didn’t deserve more even though I secretly yearned for more. I should not have put up with his crap, and I should have believed that I could find happiness elsewhere.
- You were young and should have been having fun. I got into the relationship really young but he was 11 years older than me. He had kids and was settled in his career and life. My career and life were just starting. We were in different places in life and I got caught up in his phase instead of focusing on mine. I should have been dating guys my own age who were going through things I was, like trying to find a cool holiday job and dealing with finals. Now that I’m in my 30s and I look back, I see how old he was for 31. I still feel young at heart but back then he was already acting like he was in his 60s.
- Don’t make so much effort for someone who doesn’t meet you halfway. I really tried to make things work, even reaching a point where I was ignoring my intuition in the hope that he was telling me the truth and being good to me. But for what? He wasn’t making half the effort I was and he really didn’t deserve my time and energy. I wish I could have told that girl to wake up and put that effort into a relationship with someone who actually deserved it.
- Don’t let anyone even try to steal your dreams. I was already chasing my dreams of becoming a writer when I was twenty, but instead of supporting me this guy was trying to make me forget about it. He would tell me not to waste my time, and it hurt. But I wish I had not let his words give me even one second of doubt because if he could see that girl now and how she did turn her love of writing into a career, he’d look like such an idiot.
