Checking up on your boyfriend’s phone has been pretty normalized these days but I’m going to be the voice of reason for a second and tell you that’s crazy. Needing to have his passwords and creep on his messages when he leaves the room is a huge red flag. Ask yourself these questions to see if it’s indicative of a much bigger issue.
- Is your relationship healthy? If you’re being totally honest with yourself, is your relationship with this guy a healthy one? Does he give you love and loyalty and do you give it back? My guess is there are some unresolved issues under there if you are paranoid about his phone and what he is doing. Maybe those issues are within yourself, or maybe they need to be worked out as a couple but don’t sweep them under the rug.
- Has he ever cheated? Does this guy have a past? Obviously, if he’s cheated on you (or anyone else for that matter) you’re going to have some trust issues. Maybe you’re reaching for your phone because you think he hasn’t changed. On the other hand, maybe you’re struggling to let go of the past and give him the chance to redeem himself.
- Is he acting shady or are you? Even if he has a past, is he faithful to you now? If he loves you unconditionally and isn’t trying to hide anything from you, you don’t have any reason to be worried about what goes on when you aren’t around. On the other hand, if he’s acting shady and doesn’t show his commitment to you regularly, that’s a red flag.
- Has he given you a reason not to trust him? If he’s doing his part and being faithful, why aren’t you giving him your trust? Relationships shouldn’t feel like a battlefield full of trust-mines—when you’re in a healthy relationship, it just isn’t that complicated. You should be able to let him go places, talk to people and live his life without questioning the most basic values of trust in him.
- Are you worried about other girls that aren’t you? Be honest. It’s so easy to dream up the worst case scenario in your head when you see a pretty girl in a photo with your guy, but you can’t trust your emotions all the time. Do you have a real reason to be worried about that girl or are your insecurities just setting in? Reminder: If a guy’s serious about you, he’s serious about ONLY you. Take notes.
- Do you respect his privacy? I know, I know—no girl wants to have the crazy card pulled on them, but there’s a line where being in control of all his relationships and friendships is beyond creepy. Remember that your guy is his own person and he doesn’t have to answer to you about where he was or who he was talking to. If the situation was reversed, chances are you’d be saying he was crossing the line and being controlling. If you feel the need to do this, you really need to be asking why.
- Does he respect YOU? While he does have a right to his own life and privacy, you also have a right to respect. If he is intentionally hiding things from you or being disrespectful to your relationship, don’t put up with that. At that point, is it really even worth stalking his messages? Just save yourself the time and dump him—use that energy for something meaningful and don’t waste it on a guy who sucks anyway.
- Could you be overreacting? If you don’t have any reason to believe he’s being shady, you have to consider the possibility that you may be overreacting. As women, we’re really good at showing our emotions and our biggest downfall can be going too far with them. Sometimes you just get inside your own head, getting yourself all worked up over something that wasn’t even worth the thought. If this is you, just take a deep breath and relax your mind.
- Is your gut trying to tell you something? Yes, we overreact sometimes, but women are also amazing at reading people. If you’re sure you’re not just overreacting to whatever he said or did, maybe your gut is trying to tell you something is off. You’re sitting here trying to figure out what really is going on and things just aren’t adding up, listen to that voice and get rid of him. Always try to use reason first, but if reason fails, your gut is always spot on.
- If you’re worrying so much, have you consider maybe you’re in the wrong relationship? When it comes down to it, no matter why you’re feeling insecure about what your guy is doing, you shouldn’t have to worry about your relationship. If he truly loves you and is someone you should be with, he will prove it to you. You won’t worry about that girl co-worker or childhood friend and you’ll be okay when he goes out with the boys. Healthy relationships just aren’t high maintenance.
