I’m stuck in a vicious circle: I miss my toxic ex so I get in touch with him and we get back together… and then we break up again for the same reasons as before. It’s clearly not going to work out and I know that deep down, but it’s still hard to break the cycle. That’s why I try to remind myself of the following things whenever I catch myself pining for him.
- I can finally sleep in peace. Sleeping (yes, literally sleeping) with a guy isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Sure, cuddling is nice and spooning is great but if I’m being honest, I’ve never had a good night’s rest while sleeping with my ex. He’s huge and took up most of the space and he snored loudly and frequently. Worst of all, he was heavy but that didn’t stop him from draping a large muscly arm or leg over my body. I’ve been sleeping better and better since the moment we ended things.
- He was only kinda good-looking. There are good-looking men and there are okay-to-look-at men. He was the latter. He had nice features, but I’ve experienced stronger physical attraction to guys I see in passing than I have with my ex standing naked in my bedroom. I try to remind myself that life is too short, so you have to be with someone so beautiful to you that it’s hard to pry your eyes away.
- He was no good at helping with my problems anyway. There have been too many times that my ex has ranted to me and I’ve listened actively and offered my advice only to be met with nothing more than blank stares and a half-hearted “That sucks!” whenever I share my issues. I could never turn to him and expect to leave feeling better. I’d always have to go to my girls for that kind of support. Whenever I miss him, I go straight to my girls and it reminds me that good friends are all you need.
- He’s a mess to live with. Toothpaste everywhere, beard trimmings in the sink, and what I hope is water on the rims of the toilet seat—It. Was. Disgusting. Living with a guy shouldn’t be this terrible, right? If we were meant to be, I’d have to live with him for the rest of my life and I could never imagine doing that with him. Sometimes I’ll miss him and then notice my clean and tidy room and the feeling passes.
- He partied WAY too much. I don’t mind the occasional clubbing and partying but he’ll be out at the club, turning up every other night. There has to be a line drawn, but not for him and that never sat right with me. If I miss him, I try to remind myself of how anxious I used to feel every time he would go out for the night and come home in the early hours of the morning.
- He was ridiculously forgetful. People can forget dates and times, I understand that, but to forget my birth name? After years of dating? It was all the small details about me that any boyfriend should know off the top of his head about his girlfriend—things like favorite flowers and favorite food. He just couldn’t be bothered to remember these unique details about me and it made the relationship feel impersonal. If I find myself missing him, reminding myself of how ignorant he was a lot of the time makes me loathe him instantly.
- I was never prioritized. You ever play dodgeball in gym class and the team captains pick their team members one by one? The strong, athletic kids got picked first and the smallest kids with the weakest throws got left for last. That feeling of being picked last is what I experienced all too often with my ex. It was always clubbing before me, business calls, chilling with his boys before me. I felt like the kid that got picked last, every time he had a choice between spending time with me and doing something else. I miss him often but reminding myself of how unimportant I was to him makes me never want to waste my time on him again.
- He was severely lacking in the romance department. Romance truly was dead, at least for us. I see my roommate’s boyfriend bringing her roses and cooking for her while she studies. These kind, romantic gestures always seemed like a dream to me. Romance isn’t hard, and if it’s the right guy, it’s incredibly easy to do small things that will make your girlfriend’s day. Every time I miss my ex, I look to my friend’s relationships and I automatically cannot imagine settling for him again.
- He never respected my friends the way he should have. My friends are royalty to me. They’re my family and they have taken care of me in my darkest hours. I expect my boyfriend to recognize this and treat them with the utmost respect. My ex always had a problem with doing that. He’d often make comments about them behind their backs, criticizing them for one thing or another. Reminding myself of how he didn’t even try to love my friends helps me to want nothing to do with him ever again.
- He never showed me off. I don’t expect to be paraded around on my boyfriend’s Instagram or anything, but is it too much to think that on my birthday at least, a small Snapchat shout-out is reasonable? He never wanted to make it known to the world that I was his girlfriend and he was proud and happy about this fact. Missing him only lasts until I remind myself how little love and affection he showed me, especially in public.
