The Struggles of Having A Ton Of Emotions But Never Showing Them

Friends have told me that sometimes I appear guarded, unaffected and even unemotional, but just because I don’t show my feelings doesn’t mean I don’t have them. I choose to keep my cards close to the chest because it’s one of the main ways I protect myself. Unfortunately, not everyone gets it.

  1. Everyone thinks I’m fine when I’m really about to lose it inside. If you’re a guarded woman like me, you’ve mastered the art of appearing even-keeled even though you’re likely in shambles inside. Regulating my emotions helps me to keep perspective when I’m going through something huge in my life.
  2. I’m always the one people complain to about their problems. No one thinks I’m going through anything so everyone comes to me with their problems all the time. On the one hand, I’m happy that my friends think I’m a good listener and that I give good advice. On the other hand, sometimes it’s annoying. I don’t have time to deal with someone else’s mini-crisis because I’m busy fighting my own fires… but no one knows.
  3. People often ask, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I tell my close friend about something relatively big that’s happened in my life, but I tell them a few days later and they get mad at me for not sharing it with them immediately. I just want a minute to process whatever has happened in my life before sharing it with the entire world. Is that so bad?
  4. You’ve got a very legitimate fear of being vulnerable. My guardedness is based on a huge fear of being taken advantage of when I’m vulnerable because in the past, people in my life have used my emotions against me. Keeping my emotions to myself is one of your main defense mechanisms to combat emotional abuse.
  5. I seem a little cold. If you never show your emotions, some people will think you’re cold when they first meet you. At least, that’s my experience. I’ve been told that no one can tell if I’m happy, sad, mad or excited. Usually, though, once I get to know someone, my so-called icy exterior melts away and the more I trust them, the more they’ll see my entire personality.
  6. You likely have a resting bitch face. The resting bitch face is a serious phenomenon. If you look at photos of me as a child, it is clear that my RBF goes all the way back to then. I’m often sure it gives me an advantage. While people spend time trying to figure me out, I spend time minding my business and avoiding invasive conversations. I’ve been told that I should smile more because I have a pretty good one. It’s pretty obnoxious.
  7. Few people see me sweat. Aside from the trainer leading my group fitness class and the people I work out with, I hardly allow anyone to see me sweat. Car breaks down and makes my commute a nightmare? Great, no one at work will know I missed a beat. I know how to carry on with grace.
  8. I’m an expert compartmentalizer. Life is tough, man, and I’ve been through the ringer. I’m sure you have too. Learning to turn on and off parts of my life so that I can get through the day is super essential to my productivity and frankly my survival. I firmly believe there are a time and place for everything, so I compartmentalize and move along without anyone knowing the good, the bad or the ugly unless I want them to know. It helps me keep my power.
  9. When the walls come down, my friends can’t handle it. On occasion, my emotions will get the best of me and I break down in front of everyone, tears and all. My friends just can’t cope. They don’t know what to say because this isn’t the person they know. They’re used to seeing the poised, unaffected version of me. I don’t fault them—after all, I’m the one keeping my emotions to myself all the time. Their reactions are reasonable. My best friends and boyfriend know that this happens to me from time to time and have gotten much better at responding to my emotional outbursts, but it can be jarring the very first time when it happens to the friend that assumed everything in my life is perfect.
  10. I’m good at explaining my feelings but not feeling them. I had a therapist tell me that I’m wonderful at explaining how I feel, but I’m horrible at feeling those emotions. I was puzzled by that because I was like, wait, aren’t I hear to talk to you? I guess I wasn’t showing the frustration or feelings of anxiety and sadness through my body language that I was describing with my words. Like I said, I compartmentalize.
  11. I break down alone. You ever just need a good cry alone to help you right your emotional ship? I do. I cry it out, pat my face dry and move on with my life. At the end of the day, all you really have is yourself.
  12. I’m strong for myself but you would love to find someone to be strong for me too. I just want to find someone who understands why I am the way that I am. Someone to love the strong, guarded version of me but who can support me as soon as the walls come tumbling down.
Marie is an ambitious millennial woman, leading a corporate life by day and doing her best to live, laugh and love.
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