I’m A Strong, Smart Woman But I Still Got Gaslighted In My Last Relationship

I consider myself to be a strong, intelligent, perceptive woman, so the fact that it took me so long to realize that I was being gaslighted in a relationship was not only shocking — it was pretty depressing. The sad fact is that realizing this subtle but destructive form of mental abuse isn’t easy, and that’s what makes it so dangerous. Dealing with a partner who gaslighted me nearly destroyed me, but I emerged stronger having realized these important things

1. It’s one of the worst forms of psychological abuse. Gaslighting is always a form of abuse and control, plain and simple. Often, the abuser will blame you for their actions, making you believe that you’re responsible for their behavior, when there’s NEVER an excuse for abuse. My ex used to treat me like garbage and then say things like, “Why do you always do this to us?” or, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” when I called him out. His intention was to make me think it was all in my head and that I was overreacting.
2. Gaslighting is often invisible to those around you. Because it’s so subtle, gaslighting isn’t always recognizable to the other people in your life, which only furthers the idea that it’s all in your head. My ex was never outwardly hostile towards me; he never raised his voice or his hand to me, which made it easier for him (and everyone else in my life) to pretend it wasn’t happening.
3. Sometimes you can’t remember what happened. It’s normal for details to blur when you’re being gaslighted. Sometimes you can’t remember exactly how or when the gaslighting occurred, making it even harder to confront the person doing it. I didn’t even know the term “gaslighting” when I was experiencing it — I just knew I was constantly being made to feel as if I didn’t know what I was talking about. In confronting my ex-boyfriend about it, I would find myself trying to grasp for words and not being able to find them. Like a criminal mastermind, he was able to use my confusion to amplify these gaslighting tactics by using it as an example of how it really was just all in my head. It was a delegitimization of my own judgment and sanity and an attack on my moral compass.
4. It makes you second guess yourself. If you think you’re a victim of gaslighting, you probably are. It took me a long time to realize that, but I finally did. I was never “over-thinking”; I was being gaslighted. Of course, I didn’t understand that at the time. Constantly being told that I was taking things the wrong way or overreacting made me question my judgment and wonder if I was being over the top, too sensitive, or taking things the wrong way. I wasn’t.
5. It can be gradual.Looking back, I’m able to pinpoint subtle signs that I couldn’t in the moment. Look for red flags such as repetitive denial or lying. The first sign I can remember is when my ex-boyfriend lied about cheating on me, I was told that I was over-thinking and possessive, which followed me throughout my other relationships both platonic and intimate. Gaslighting isn’t always obvious or apparent, but sometimes small and hard to notice.
6. It can make you feel insecure.When your abilities are constantly called into question, it begins to make you lose self-confidence. I began to have difficulty being sure of anything and constantly looked to my ex-boyfriend for validation. I found it hard for to speak out or stand up for myself, which is exactly what he wanted. In questioning my confidence, I remained complacent and compliant and therefore handed all of my power and control to him.
7. Gaslighting is more common than you think.And it doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. Fake news and Russian hacking are the largest culprits in giving Trump the presidency. Trump has steadily denied all accusations as an attempt from liberals to delegitimize and undermine his presidency – even though 17 intelligence agencies say otherwise. During his campaign, Trump won over his voters with a slew of lies. In short, our entire country is being gaslighted at the moment. Pretty scary, huh?
8. You’ll never figure it out or understand, so don’t try.The solution came when I realized that I didn’t have to figure out how my ex-boyfriend was gaslighting me or why. To do so involved me putting my morality into question again and again. What I learned was that I needed to be aware of when gaslighting occurred and to disengage from it when it did. Simply removing myself from the situation was sometimes enough to keep it from happening until I could permanently end the relationship.
9. You’re allowed to make mistakes.When you leave a gaslighting relationship in which you were constantly made to feel as if everything you did was wrong, it can be hard to allow yourself to make mistakes and forgive yourself for them. I wanted to attain a level of awareness that would ensure that I would never be susceptible to gaslighting ever again. Obviously, it doesn’t work that way. My relationship happened over a long period of time in subtle stages that I couldn’t have recognized or stopped; it had nothing to do with me actually making mistakes. I realized that in order to heal, I had to allow myself to be human again and be okay with imperfection.
10. When you know better, you do better.Being a victim of gaslighting is a learning experience. It opened my eyes and taught me a multitude of lessons. I can’t say that I’ll never fall victim to it again, but what I know for sure is that I know more about gaslighting than I ever have before and I find it easier to point out to my friends in their own relationships. Best of all, I’m confident enough to know how to respond to it — by walking away.