I love sex, trust me, but I do find it to be a headache sometimes. It always changes the dynamic of a relationship, like it or not. This is why sometimes I’d rather just not deal with it at all:
- It becomes consuming. Once sex is part of the scenario, it turns into the main event. I’m a pretty sexual human being, so I have a hard time focusing on anything else. Why bother with the niceties? I want to get down and dirty. That creates a problem if it impedes growth in other areas.
- It takes over the dating process. I think that I tend to jump into bed with the person I’m dating too soon. The natural process of us getting to know each other in other ways first becomes skewed by the physical. It makes it hard to see the big picture realistically.
- It adds a new complicated level to everything. Sex colors everything else in a partnership. I think that the absence of sex is why friendships last so much longer than relationships! It’s a different kind of vulnerability, it makes me feel scared, and I act out of character.
- It highlights insecurities and fears. Like I said, sex creates new vulnerability and intimacy that can be terrifying. Not only am I getting naked with someone I don’t know all that well, I’m letting them see me in a way that no one else does. We all treat sex way too casually— it’s a special thing.
- It brings up trust issues. Once sex is part of the equation, I have a whole new set of worries —can I trust him to be faithful? Is he telling the truth about his sexual history? Can I truly be myself with him? It dredges up all this crap and I don’t even want to bother with it.
- It can ruin everything if it’s not handled correctly. And it usually isn’t, because we all sleep together too quickly. I use sex as a way of getting to know my partner when I would be better served being friends first. It causes a lot of tension when we aren’t that familiar with each other.
- It creates friction, and not in a good way. I know that I get sensitive and defensive when I start sleeping with a man. I’m afraid that we won’t be a good fit physically or that he’ll use me to get laid and leave. Again, I should wait longer to get physical because the chaos makes me want to stay entirely celibate.
- It causes fights. Unfortunately this is often the case. Either I get mad because we aren’t having enough sex, I don’t like what he’s doing, he’s not listening to what I need, or he’s pushing me too much. It’s very hard to find the right balance and it kind of sucks.
- It suffers when there are deficiencies in other areas of the relationship.  Sleeping with a guy highlights the problems I’ve overlooked. Suddenly issues are glaringly clear—we don’t communicate, there’s no trust, or we don’t listen to each other. My new relationships deteriorate quickly when we have sex too soon.
- It’s too often used as a quick fix. Sex is an easy band-aid to put on just about anything, especially when first dating someone. It clouds my reason and deceives me into believing that a dude is right for me. Often I delay an inevitable separation because I crave the sex and that’s a huge issue.
- It should increase intimacy but often doesn’t. If there’s not a good base of intimacy in place, sex won’t help in that area. I’ve found that a lack of emotional intimacy leads to unsatisfactory sex because there’s always a barrier there. It’s so hard to be vulnerable during sex that I usually decide it’s not worth it.
- It ends up standing in for real vulnerability. I’m guilty of convincing myself that if we have a “connection” during sex, we’re a wonderful match. I have to force myself to see that the connection isn’t real—it’s a lusty physical spark. Real connections are built outside the bedroom and then brought in.
- It reveals a lot about the other person. Sometimes I like a guy in the outside world, but I don’t like him in an intimate situation. It’s horribly disappointing to think that someone is great, then hate the way he interacts sexually. The problem is that I don’t actually know who he is yet, so I need to keep sex out of it.
- It causes a whole cluster of headaches. I hate drama, I hate stress, and I can’t help feeling like sex creates more of both. If I speak up about what I want, I get stressed out, but if I don’t, I’m resentful if the sex isn’t good for me. I worry too much, I think too much, and it’s easier to not have sex at all.
- It opens both people up to the risk of disease. I am the biggest worrier in the world—it’s what keeps me from ever having casual sex. I don’t trust men to be honest with me, especially when I barely know them and they’re trying to get laid. Guys will say whatever a girl wants to hear if it gets them sex and that terrifies me.
- It changes the dynamic of how you see each other. Like it or not, having sex will forever change your perspective. I always hope it will change for the better, and sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t, though, and that sucks. I’d rather delay disappointment by abstaining.
