I’ve never thought about NOT having children—it’s always been something that I’ve wanted. I’m a teacher and I work with children every day. They’re my life. Yet, now that more and more of my friends are starting families, I’ve come to a realization: I really don’t want babies.
- Being pregnant sucks. I don’t care what people say about it being the most precious time in a woman’s life or how you get an amazing pregnancy glow. I don’t even care about the cool perks like getting better parking spaces at some places or getting to eat twice as much food and blame it on the baby. I’ve known too many people who can’t stop puking to ever be convinced that being pregnant is magical or miraculous. If you adopt a kid, you completely avoid this.
- Giving birth is literally the worst. People die doing it. I’m not even particularly scared of death, but that just sounds like a bad situation to force upon yourself. I know how big that hole is down there and it is NOT baby sized, that’s for sure. That’s why in my head, I’ve always imagined my optimal birthing scenario as a C-section where I’m completely knocked out. Then I realized the true optimal birthing scenario is not giving birth at all. Again, adopting solves this problem.
- You don’t sleep for at least a year. I’m the kind of person who loses it when I don’t get eight hours of sleep. Deprive me of sleep for a week and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t be legally held accountable for killing my own baby because at that point I’ll have completely lost my mind. Dark, I know. But really, my sleep schedule is not to be trifled with on that level, so adopting above the age of three is probably a good idea.
- Your boobs hurt. I don’t know what it is about boob pain, but it’s far worse than any other bodily pain—not even because it actually hurts more, but because it feels like it will never stop. I couldn’t handle that for however long breastfeeding lasts. Speaking of which…
- The dietary restrictions are too way much. I have friends who cannot eat cheese right now because they’re breastfeeding. CHEESE. I also love wine and sushi and all other things that people frown upon you for consuming while another being is consuming you. I know these restrictions aren’t the case for all moms, but it’s too terrible to even risk it.
- Crying babies make me cringe. There are a lot of sounds I don’t like: thunder, dogs barking, fireworks, yelling—pretty much anything loud. And there is no loud sound worse than a crying baby. I curl up in a ball when I hear it. My reaction is not to run and comfort the shrieking thing, but rather to run away. I think I’d get a lot of judgmental looks if I did that in public. I don’t have that reaction with elementary age children, though. You can comfort them with words. They’ll listen, be reasonable human beings, and stop crying.
- There’s so much pee and poop. I know parents say you get used to it, but is that something I want to get used to? Imagine the joys of welcoming a family member who can use the toilet. What a dream. I’m bumping my adoption age up to five for that reason.
- Babies are fragile. I’ve heard several of my friends tell me their baby is indestructible and not to worry about it if they get bumped or whatever, only to have them post five minutes later in a panic saying, “MY BABY ATE A COFFEE BEAN! WILL THEY DIE?!” There’s so much to worry about with a baby. The learning curve is far too steep. I don’t know how anyone handles that level of stress. Your care is the only way that thing will survive. It’s way too much pressure.
- You have to buy so much crap that you’ll never use again. I mean, yes, if you’re pumping babies out there are many reusable items. Not to mention hand-me-downs from friends and neighbors are always a thing. However, everything a baby uses they will outgrow physically or emotionally (except my boyfriend’s baby blanket that he still keeps in our bed). Blankets, clothes, pacifiers, teething toys, bottles, little tiny spoons, and diapers—so many things that are just useless in two or three years!
- There are over 100,000 children in the US alone waiting to be adopted. So why would I ever go through all of that when there are so many children, who on average are elementary aged, that need to be adopted? I can hate babies and still be a mom.
