Why Pizza Is The Only Boyfriend You’ll Ever Need

Striking out at love lately? Coming home to pizza every night? No need to be ashamed! Pizza is the new boyfriend — and a great one, too. If you’re fed up with guys ignoring your calls and trying to have sex with you while you’re watching Netflix, go ahead and cuddle up with your favorite pizza in bed. You’re making a good life choice, because pizza is so much better than dating.

1. Pizza hits the spot every time. You’ve never said to your stomach, “A little to the left. No your other left. Um, yeah, I guess that’s OK.” When pizza’s inside you, it’s going exactly where you want it to go.
2. Pizza’s always ready for round two. Not entirely satisfied after round one? Pizza doesn’t need a 15 minute nap and a Gatorade before you can have more.
3. You’re guaranteed to get that warm, fuzzy feeling. Ah, pizza. It’s like a cozy hug for your soul. That feeling doesn’t fade just because you’ve been having pizza for years.
4. Pizza always comes over when you call. Papa John isn’t ignoring your calls any time soon, or getting too sucked in to his PlayStation to remember you texted. If you call for pizza, it will show up, and in a timely manner.
5. Pizza doesn’t get jealous when you want a little variety. Feel free to mix it up and get a taste of everything pizza has to offer. You can’t say to your guy, “Tonight I feel like having something mostly like you, but just a little different.”
6. Pizza won’t interrupt your Netflix binge. Pizza will actually let you chill! Pizza and Netflix are the perfect pairing for when you don’t want to be interrupted with sexual propositions.
7. You will always enjoy putting it in your mouth. And swallowing. You will never have to politely suggest that your pizza take a shower first.
8. It’s an easy fix when pizza is no longer hot anymore. Guys might get a little upset if you try to pop them in the toaster oven because they’re not as hot as they used to be.
9. You’re 100 percent in control of whether or not pizza will still be there in the morning. Decide before you go to bed if you want pizza to be there for you when you wake up. There will never be a surprise pizza lingering in the morning if you decided you were done with it last night.
10. No one gets hurt if you keep a backup pizza in case you decide you want it later. It’s only acceptable to put pizza in the freezer to save it for a future date. Worried things might not work out with your paella? Don’t fret, that frozen pizza is always there as a backup.
11. You can ignore pizza all week and it will still come over at 2 a.m. Pizza’s not offended when you’re only interested after a night of heavy drinking. In fact, it anticipates that.
12. No lengthy wait for a ring in a box. Feel like you’ve been waiting forever for your dude to get the hint? Just call up Domino’s and get a ring in a box at your doorstep in 20 minutes or less.