Every single guy I’ve dated seems to want to have phone sex and I’m on the other end of the phone halfway between trying to humor them and doing something else more interesting while pretending to listen to them. Long-distance relationships are hard and I think finding ways to make it easier is great, but I just can’t get over the cheesiness of phone sex.
- It’s almost always fake. If my guy asks me what I’m wearing or to describe it, I’m almost always wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. I’ve also probably got no makeup on and I haven’t brushed my hair. Of course, that’s not sexy at all, so we have to fake it and say how we just happen to have lingerie on and have been sitting by the phone all day waiting for him.
- It’s awkward as hell to hold a phone and masturbate. We might be saying we’re playing with ourselves during phone sex but in reality, that’s pretty hard to do. I mean, I guess you could put the phone on speaker, but then you run the risk of someone else hearing. Instead, you’re left trying to hold a phone to your ear while trying to get off while your guy is telling you stuff he wants to do to you that you don’t want to be done to you. Plus, he wants you to describe in great detail what you’re going to do to him too. For real, just let me masturbate in peace. Also, that’s how you get neck pain.
- Women have to do all the work. Have you ever tried to have phone sex with a guy? He’ll ask 20,000 questions. What are you wearing? What are you doing? How does it feel? What would you do to me? What would you do next? Next? Next? Seriously, just stop dude. On the flip side, if you ask them a question, he’ll just say something like, “Hmm, next I’ll kiss your earlobe, how do you like that?” Then he gets right back to the interrogation table. That’s just not going to cut it.
- You usually have an audience. I don’t know about you, but my dog is usually lying directly beside me wherever I am. Â It’s kind of hard to get into the mood when I’m being watched and judged. Besides, I’d much rather cuddle with my dog than try to audibly excite my boyfriend.
- I don’t want to have sex with his double chin. Used to be we only had to have phone sex by talking and hearing one another. Now, we have these glorious things called Facetime and Skype, so not only do we have to entertain with words, we have to entertain visually too. I don’t know about you but I haven’t mastered the art of talking on the phone, saying all the right dirty things, getting myself off, and getting my guy off while still looking good on the forward-facing camera.
- All I think about are those phone sex infomercials. Not going to lie—the entire time I’m trying to have phone sex, I’m thinking about those infomercials for phone sex operators. Speaking of, are those even still a thing or do I just not watch television anymore?
- How do you even end the phone call? I’m so awkward that I would just hang up. No “bye,” no nothing. How do normal people end a phone call after phone sex? Like, do you just go about the conversation and talk about the weather or what you had for dinner?
- One-way streets can happen on the phone too. In person, it’s a lot easier to keep things going if one person finishes first. It’s also easier to know if someone orgasms in person. What if you’re having phone sex though and someone gets off but is embarrassed it happened so quickly so they don’t say anything? Or, they aren’t embarrassed and have no shame and say they have to go watch Game of Thrones or something? I could definitely see this happening, especially if it’s someone you hardly know.
- Moaning is only sexy for so long. I’m so bad at talking dirty. “Oh, baby” is about the sexiest thing I know to say. I just hate trying to force things. I don’t talk dirty during sex either so basically, I’m just left to the only other thing I can do on the phone: moaning. For real, though, how long can one moan before it’s just weird and awkward?
