My Parents Never Talked To Me About Sex & I Think It Screwed Me Up

My parents are fantastic people who taught me so many important lessons to prepare me for my adult life. They were always honest with me when I had questions or needed advice and I knew they were always in my corner. However, when the topic of sex first came up when I was in middle school, the conversation went silent and never took root, even after I got married. This is why I wish my parents would’ve gotten over the awkwardness and had “The Talk” with me:

1. I DIDN’T KNOW THE BASICS ABOUT HOW MY BODY WORKS. I had so many questions going through puberty about the changes that were happening and what it all meant for me. I was in high school before I had the courage to ask a friend about basic female anatomy and never used a tampon until I was 16 simply because I was scared of my own body. I can only imagine how much easier things would’ve been if I would’ve known about my body.
2. I Couldn’t COME TO THEM WITH QUESTIONS. I don’t think I’m alone when I cringe thinking back on being 13, feeling awkward abut coming to my mom with questions. The worst part was that she reciprocated my awkwardness and only made me regret asking in the first place. Even when I was getting married or was looking into birth control, I felt like I was better off asking Google before getting information from the most important woman in my life, which I wish wasn’t the case.
3. I WAS ASHAMED OF MY BODY. Since we didn’t talk about women’s bodies and stayed away from the topic of sex almost completely, I became ashamed of my body as I developed into a woman. I was always a modest girl, but I didn’t have to dress in tight or short clothes to feel uncomfortable. I felt shame while shopping in Victoria’s Secret with my friends, wearing a swimsuit, and wearing makeup that brought attention to my femininity. I tried to downplay my womanly features whenever I could instead of embracing how God made me.
4. I NEEDED A ROLE MODEL. The internet and my friends were terrible sources for important questions and issues in my life concerning puberty, boys, and sexuality. I looked up to my mom and would have been so comforted to hear her experiences and advice. I know we could’ve bonded through these conversations and she wouldn’t have needed to worry about me because I would’ve gone to her for everything.
5. I STARTED TO BELIEVE SEX WAS A BAD THING. I never had many positive associations with sex. I always heard sex would defile me, give me diseases or get me pregnant. I heard about the temptations of sexual relationships and how they would ruin my life if I got involved. The messages were meant to encourage me to wait until marriage to have a healthy sex life but instead, it directly connected sex to shame, no matter the circumstances. I began to believe that there was never a time or place to show my sexuality.
6. I DECIDED TO STAY CELIBATE OUT OF FEAR INSTEAD OF CHOICE. Even though I genuinely wanted to only be with one man and wait to have sex until I got married, the initial decision to wait for my future husband wasn’t a conscious one I made for myself. I set my boundaries based on the fear of sex, my body, and disappointing my family. I got my first purity ring when I was 12 but I didn’t have roots in why I was making that decision.
7. I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. When I started going out with my now-husband, I felt strong sexual feelings for him that I was honestly scared to experience. After we got married, I found myself to be a very, very sexual person who couldn’t get enough love from my husband. I never really interacted with any women who had a high sex drive or were very openly sensual, which made me think that these feelings made me unusual or messed up. It took me a long time to get through those feelings and embrace my sensual side with the man I married.
8. I FELT SHAME HAVING SEX WITH MY HUSBAND. Since I associated sex with shame growing up, my feelings didn’t magically change on my wedding night. Knowing in the back of my mind that our loved ones all knew we were having sex made me feel dirty. I felt like I was doing something wrong that I shouldn’t talk about, even though I was always told waiting for my husband would be a beautiful moment. I wish that my Christian school, church, and loved ones would have focused on the beauty of sex with a person you’ve committed your life to rather than trying to tell us why we should stay away.
9. I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH AFFECTION. I wasn’t used to seeing my parents kiss, cuddle or hold hands, so whenever I saw people doing it, I felt uncomfortable. I had a weird notion that adults don’t touch or show affection, as if it was somehow inappropriate. Of course there are still limits to what is appropriate in public, but I was weirded out even if my friends’ parents were holding hands in public. I don’t think anyone should have to hide their feelings with their significant other — it’s healthy to show affection to each other in public.
10. I WANT TO BE AN EXAMPLE FOR MY KIDS. When I have kids in the future, I want them to become adults gracefully and not be in the dark about their bodies or sexual relationships. I hope that we will have the courage as a couple to be open with our kids about the beauty of our healthy sexual relationship and public affection. I want them to develop knowing that it isn’t shameful to be intimate with a spouse and they can come to us if they ever have questions or make mistakes. I can only hope that I can take any mistakes my parents made and turn them into a positive lesson with my children someday.