Opinion: Beards Aren’t Sexy, They’re Gross

A bit of stubble can be hot, sure, but when a guy grows a full-on beard, my attraction goes from “interested” to “no thanks.” Here are 15 reasons I won’t be going anywhere near a modern-day mountain man.

1. Beard burn sucks. A bit of stubble burn is a sign of a passionate make-out session. Beard burn is so much worse. If the beard is full of short and spiky hairs, it feels like making out with a razor and leaves me with a red rash. Even if the consequences aren’t that major, so many beards are rough and feel unpleasant. Nope.
2. Is that your lunch in there? It’s not easy for a guy to prevent food from getting stuck in his beard. I get the struggle. But that doesn’t make it less disgusting. Sitting across a table from a guy on a date who bites into a burger and leaves food particles all over his beard? There goes my appetite.
3. Beards make me think of hippies. Even when a guy’s beard is neat, if it’s too long, it can start to look a little too hippie-like. No matter how well-dressed and hygienic the guy otherwise looks, the beard makes him look like he’s four days into a music festival or camping trip in the middle of nowhere, far away from showering facilities.
4. Do men shampoo their beards? If not, they should! Facial cleanser is not enough, guys. That hair needs to be washed properly. Just think of all the sweat and food that gets in there on a daily basis. Ew!
5. Beards really are full of germs. A study in which researchers swabbed men’s beards and examined the bacteria found that some beards contained household bacteria, like what you’d find on a kitchen table, while others—brace yourself—had germs you’d find in a toilet. So basically, kissing a guy with a beard is really like kissing a toilet seat.
6. Stop scratching! When a guy keeps touching and scratching his beard during conversation, it’s so frustrating. I can’t help but think: Dude, what the hell is in that thing that’s itching so much? Plus, knowing the above study just makes me want to shout at him to stop transferring bacteria from his hands to his face.
7. It looks like he’s given up. Some might say that beards look masculine, but honestly, they make me think of a guy who doesn’t have his act together. When a guy’s beard starts to grow too much or look a little untidy, I can’t help but want to ask him if he’s just experienced a traumatic breakup that made him toss out his shears or if he’s in-between jobs at the moment.
8. Beards make guys look older. Beards might actually protect his skin from getting wrinkles by cutting out the sun’s rays, but I stick to my guns that beards make a guy seem less youthful and fresh-faced. Plus, I’m a cheekbone girl so I want to see a man’s facial definition.
9. Beards can get out of hand. Ever noticed a guy whose beard has started spreading down his face and onto his neck? It’s like the beard has a life of its own and is almost touching the hairs on his chest. Gross—is he slowly turning into a gorilla? Enough with all that body hair!
10. The bathroom is a disaster zone. Beards require lots of TLC and trimming, but the state of the bathroom after a guy’s been messing with his beard in there is so disgusting. There are bits of hair everywhere, and especially in the basin and bath.
11. Kissing can get gross. When I’ve reached in to kiss a bearded guy, I’ve learned two disappointing things: perfecting my lipstick was a waste of time because it’s all on his beard and I now have a mouth full of hair. Great.
12. Oral sex must be awkward af. I’ve never experienced this but I can imagine it must be a horrible experience: a guy going down on you and stabbing your most delicate lady bits with his spikey beard. The thought of that makes my mind take an even darker turn: when I see guys with beards, I find myself thinking: where has that beard been and did he wash it afterward?
13. Watch the drinks! I remember once hanging out with a friend who had a full beard. He drank soda from a can and then reached over to kiss me on the cheek when we said goodbye. I ended up with a slimy wet cheek. He laughed and wiped it off, saying, “My bad. My beard got wet from the soda.” WTF? It felt like a dog had just slobbered over me.
14. Sometimes beards look like pubes. Full beards are bad enough, but when beards aren’t growing enough or the hair is a little coarse, they start to resemble pubic hair. For God’s sake, don’t guys ever look in the mirror?
15. What’s he hiding? In the same way that some women will grow a bit of body hair to hide some flaws, like zits or cellulite, I wonder if men do the same thing with their facial hair? If the beard is large and hides most of his face, I’m tempted to bring out the shears and reveal what’s hiding under that hair blanket. I might find some weird, dry skin or something even more sinister.