For a long time, I had a hard time rejecting people so I’d subject myself to more dates I didn’t want to be on. This has all changed over the years and I’m definitely getting the hang of saying “no” to anyone who just isn’t a match for me.
- Rejection gets easier with practice. Saying “no” or “I don’t want to see you again” felt impossible the first few times I needed to say them. Although it felt torturous to send those texts, the more I did it, the easier it became to reject people. After all, rejection is just a normal part of the dating process. Like anything else, it gets more palatable with practice.
- Being told “no” myself has been a helpful exercise. Not only has rejecting others been good for character-building but so has being the rejected one. I’ve had plenty of times where I was told “no” or “I’m not interested in you,” and I didn’t fall apart never to be put back together again. Rather, I got over it and it helped me next time I either was rejected or needed to reject someone.
- I know I’ll hurt someone’s feelings more by being dishonest. One of my biggest fears about turning someone away was that I’ll totally destroy them emotionally. While I may hurt them, I just don’t have the power to pummel their heart into the ground after one date. In reality, I’ve learned that I’d hurt their feelings much more if I just dragged them along, pretending I like them when I don’t.
- What they think of me is less of a concern. I used to be wildly worried about what my date would think about me if I told them that I wasn’t as into it as they were. I’d be terrified that they’d think I’m a bitch or a crazy person. In truth, they might think these things, but it doesn’t really matter. I have no control over what others think and their opinions don’t determine anything about me.
- I’m more concerned with doing the right thing than I used to be. Dragging people along was my M.O. I’d be guilty of only liking the attention someone gives me, but I wouldn’t be interested in dating them. This was super unfair. In my more recent dating days, I care deeply about what the right thing to do is. I try to act kindly and not play games.
- My trust in my intuition has grown. I didn’t have all of these maladaptive dating mechanisms because I was a bad person. Rather, I hadn’t developed self-trust yet by learning what’s right for me. Now that my intuition is strengthening, it’s become easier to choose the right thing and to say “no” when it’s time to.
- Jamming a square peg in a round hole isn’t my tactic anymore. Since my self-trust was virtually non-existent, I didn’t really know if someone was a good fit for me or not. I’d end up liking them because they were attractive or had some ideal characteristic, but in reality, we weren’t a match. This didn’t stop me from trying to make it work anyway. Thank goodness that today I throw out the round peg if it isn’t fitting in my square hole.
- Making excuses for unacceptable behavior is a thing of the past. In a previous life, I definitely would have gone on a second date with a dude who talked incessantly and didn’t let me get a word in edgewise. After all, he was cute and had some of the same interests as me. I’d have told myself that maybe he just talked a lot because he was nervous. However, now I have more respect for myself. Instead, I told him on the date he was talking too much and he still proceeded to continue doing it. That was when I said goodbye. No excuses!
- My self-confidence is higher. Part of the reason why it’s become so much easier to say “no” to people is that I value the crap out of myself. I truly believe that I’m an awesome woman who’s so deserving of love. As a result, I act that way. I only accept the love I think I deserve, which is loving and respectful.
- Settling for less just isn’t an option. Somehow I used to be able to spend lots of time with a man who clearly didn’t care about me, but I just can no longer stomach someone who doesn’t treat me right. Call it a product of self-love, but rejecting those who aren’t a fit is becoming second-nature.
- I’m no longer using people to try to fill a hole. One of the biggest driving forces to staying with people who weren’t a match for me was because I felt like I needed someone to fill me up. I had this insatiable hole inside. It’s the same gnawing that calls for alcohol, sweets, or some sort of escape. I used to use people in an attempt to satisfy this crater but I now know that what I’m truly craving is self-love and acceptance.
- My person is out there. I don’t have to waste so much time anymore with the wrong people. Once I start to get the hunch that someone isn’t my person, I’m out. This leaves space in my life for the right one to come in. After all, I hold out hope that my person is out there somewhere. Though if they aren’t and I am destined to be alone forever, I’ll be okay with that, too.