There’s no use kidding yourself — sleeping with someone changes things. Whether you were actually dating or you were friends who accidentally hooked up after a few drinks, it’s hard to have a platonic relationship with someone who’s seen you naked and vice versa when the sex is taken out of the equation again. Here’s why it’s so hard to be “just friends” with a guy when you were once (even momentarily) something more:
- Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. His name = Penis. No matter how hard you try (no pun intended), his penis will be the first thing you think of when you think of him. It’s like memory association. It happens so fast that before you know it, there it is — his penis plastered in the center of your mind. It isn’t a bad thing —  hey, there are worse things to think about — but you have to live the fact that sleeping with him means you’ll never be able to forget that side of him. That image/thought haunts/taunts me.
- You never really know where you stand. Once you sleep together, there tend to be mixed signals all over the place (or at least it feels like mixed signals). You have feelings for him that he doesn’t return or vice versa, or you might like each other at different times — one of these is bound to happen. I randomly (okay, maybe not so randomly since it happened twice) hooked up with one of my best guy friends, and for a while, he was always there. I would go out on a date, he would call. I would make plans with a guy and he would magically be in the neighborhood to have lunch. I felt bad. I wanted to still have a friendship with him but I was afraid of hurting his feelings. I couldn’t tell him certain things anymore and that was a bummer.
- Recycling is imminent. He’s there, you’re lonely, and before you know it, you find yourself right back in his bed. Recycling isn’t a bad thing to do if you can keep your feelings in check. In some cases, it can save you from making even dumber decisions, like going out to a bar for a one-night stand with a stranger. Sometimes you just crave the feeling of having someone laying on top of you or next to you, and it can be a bonus when that person happens to be your friend as well. It’s human nature to crave passionate, human connection, but this connection is more complicated than most.
- Fantasies about his junk are inevitable. Once can be considered an accident; twice can be considered a coincidence. The third time? Well, that’s harder to explain. Unless the sex was terrible or ruined your relationship immediately, chances are you’ll either have a repeat performance or spend a long time thinking about it (or both). It’s hard to hang out like bros when all you’re thinking about is how he sounds when he’s coming.
- The “what if”s are always there. You may not be interested in him romantically, BUT if you aren’t being distracted by someone else, your mind starts to wander. What if you really DO like him? What if you’re running away because this is real? Can you have a relationship other than friends? Can you stay friends if you don’t? The possibilities are endless. At some point, you’ll question everything. Why did you go there? Did you subconsciously want to all along? Were you bored and lonely or do you actually have feelings? It’s enough to drive a sane woman crazy.
- You can’t help but be jealous when another woman is in his life. Yes, sex and just be sex, but when you are truly intimate with someone and have “a moment” with them, it tends to unlock some feelings that you may not want to confront. Trying to stay friends and be totally chill about each other’s subsequent relationships is easier said than done, and jealousy is bound to rear its ugly head.
- On some level, you’re bound to get hurt. This ambiguous zone of not quite boyfriend and girlfriend but definitely more than friends is where feelings can (and usually do) get hurt. Once the door to sex is open, it’s hard to close it again, and that back and forth about where you stand in each other’s lives will give you a headache at the very least and break your heart at worse. And if it’s not you on the receiving end of the heartbreak, it’ll be him, and that doesn’t feel any better.
- The lines can get blurry. You eventually have to draw the line somewhere and once you’ve slept together, boundaries can be really hard to establish. If one of you decides to start seeing someone else, that effectively puts an end to… whatever it is you had going on. Your respective significant others aren’t necessarily going to take very well to the idea of you being buddy-buddy with someone you used to have sex with, and if you’re not super clear on where you stand emotionally with him, that leads to confusion all-around. In other words, it’s a big mess.
