It’s natural to want love and companionship, and in fact, as human beings, we actually need it in many ways. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, they should always be more about a mutual desire to be together than codependence keeping you frozen in place and afraid to move on from a potentially bad situation.
- Recognize the difference between want and need. We want someone to watch our favorite TV shows with but need someone to tend to us when we are sick. We want someone who can make us laugh but we need someone to talk to. Need is basic, intrinsic, and common to all. Want is more complex, driven, and unique. Knowing the difference is the first step to having a better relationship.
- Be more than a problem solver. You need to be with someone who doesn’t look to you to solve all their problems. Find someone who pulls their weight and is capable of solving their issues, but asks for your input and point of view because they truly value your thoughts and feelings.
- Don’t be their everything. Sure, it’s nice to have someone to tell you that you’re “everything” to them. It’s romantic and swoon-worthy — just make sure it’s not literal. You don’t really want to be someone’s reason for living. You want someone who has their own hopes, dreams and most importantly, initiative. No one’s life should revolve around you. It’s exhausting.
- Be more than “theirs.” Don’t be with someone who lets your relationship define who you are as a person. Someone who needs you more than they want you will see you as their other half, but you’re so much more than your relationship with another person. You need someone who recognizes that you are your own whole: someone other than simply “theirs.”
- Make a few demands of your own. Someone who wants you will be in the relationship with the intention of making you happy. Someone who needs you more than they want you will be in the relationship with the expectation that you’ll bring them happiness and that your role is to tend to their every little whim. It should be about the give and take between two people who love each other. Do yourself a favor and demand that much; you deserve a whole-hearted love and you can’t have that with someone whose desperate need only drags you down.
- Don’t carry their weight on your shoulders. A needy lover is a lazy one. Don’t fall for that helpless pretense. Find someone who doesn’t burden you with their troubles every time they arise while making no attempt to reconcile them on their own. Don’t be with someone who puts their needs before your own, who makes you tend to their needy little demands before they let you pursue your own goals. Someone who wants you will be mature enough to carry their own weight and encourage you to carry yours, to achieve their goals and inspire you to chase yours. That’s who you should go for.
- Trust your gut feeling. Someone who needs you more than they want you can never make you feel like you’re the one thing they want most in the world. They will appreciate what you do for them, they will be grateful, they will admire you, but you will never be what they truly want. Because want is different than need. It’s nice to feel needed, but refreshing and amazing to be completely wanted. You’ll know as soon as you find someone who fits the bill because they’ll give you what you need and more.
- Don’t let anyone hold you back. Once in a relationship, someone who needs you more than they want you will do everything in their power to hold on to you and they’ll hold on really tight. Don’t fall for that. Find someone who encourages you when it comes to your dreams, who doesn’t fear that pursuing your goals will take away from helping them achieve theirs. Someone who wants you more than they need you will never hold you back.
- Stand on equal ground. You can’t stand on equal ground with someone who needs you more than they want you. If you’re what they think they need, what they think they can’t live without, how can you both be on level ground? You need someone who neither looks up to you with gratefulness or down on you as they make their demands. You won’t be equal and neither will your relationship. That’s an unbalanced love and you’re better than that.
- Don’t be the one they can’t live without. This is another thing we romanticize: the notion of being something your love can’t live without. Is that really what you want? To be with someone who is nothing without you, to be the only thing holding them together? You deserve someone who is confident in themselves and their choices; someone with the passion and the initiative to know what they want and do everything in their power to get it. Set your heart on someone who can manage just fine without you, but doesn’t want to. Find yourself someone who chooses you simply because they want you.
