I have a best friend who consistently dates complete douchebags and I hate it. It breaks my heart to see her beaten down, taken advantage of, and lied to time after time. While I’ve tried to talk to her about it on occasion, it’s not an easy topic of conversation and I can never be 100 percent honest. Here’s what I really wish I could tell my BFF about her terrible boyfriend:
- You don’t know what real love looks like. You haven’t experienced real love yet, and that’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that anyone you’ve dated ever has put his needs above yours. It’s not your fault that anyone you’ve ever dated belittled you because he needed to feel like a big man. How could you know what it’s like to be with someone who truly loves you when everyone you’ve ever been with has been out for themselves?
- And Neither Does He. I’ve got a few ideas on why that is. I’m willing to bet that everyone in his life told him that he was smart and good looking and that’s all he needed to get by. I bet everyone around him told him that he’s going to get so much ass because of it. I bet he was taught that money and possessions are better than anything else in life, certainly better than a devoted, loving, compassionate, empathetic woman who loves him for who he is — even when who he is is an image obsessed, materialistic chauvinist.
- You Can’t Love Him Enough To Make It Better. I know he hurts you, but you still make excuses for him. “Oh, he has a high-stress job.” “It was my fault.” You can’t lie to me about that, girl. HE is responsible for his actions, not you. What he does isn’t right, what he says to you isn’t right, and no matter how much you forgive him, take care of him, serve him, and love him, it’s not going to change the way he is. With him, you will always get hurt. You’ll always feel guilty, blame yourself, and wonder in the back of your mind if this is as good as it gets. You’ll always put yourself down because that’s all he’s ever going to do to you.
- You Can Be Happier Than This. Happiness beyond this exists. You may be telling yourself that this is what true love looks like — give and take, compromise, and sacrifices — and you’d be right. But this relationship isn’t true love. He doesn’t give, he takes. He doesn’t compromise, he demands. He doesn’t sacrifice, he gains. This is one-sided, and you’re left out in the cold every time. You can be so much happier — it IS possible. Someone is out there waiting to love you like you love him.
- You Don’t Deserve Any Of This. If you don’t hear anything I say, hear this: You deserve better. You don’t deserve to be called stupid, to have your boyfriend make you feel small, or to be made fun of and humiliated in front of his friends. You don’t deserve to have your weight come into question or to be objectified. You have a heart and a soul and a life that matters. What you say and think has value. You deserve to be happy beyond imagining and to receive all the love this world has to offer. More than anything else, you deserve to be treated with respect.
- Things Will Never Change. A therapist once told me this: When you’ve been dating someone for a couple of years and fight about stuff that never gets resolved, chances are you’ll still be fighting about it 10 years from now or even longer. Essentially, you’ll fight about it for the length of your relationship. He’s not going to change and you can’t make him, no matter how hard you try. Things aren’t going to get better, they’ll get worse.
- You Can Walk Away At Any Time. It’s not too late. There’s no expiration date on your happiness. You can call it quits and leave his ass behind any time now. He proposes to you? Say no. You marry him? File for divorce. He gets you pregnant? Leave him and raise the child on your own. Don’t let your children grow up under his influence. Don’t let them think that what he does is okay. You’re worth so much more than he’ll ever be able to give you.
