I Didn’t Realize I Had Lost Myself In My Relationship Until I Got Dumped

For three years, I let love guide me in every single decision I made in my life. I relocated cross-country, left my friends and family behind, and spent every waking moment with a guy I thought I would be with forever. When my ex dumped me, it was at that moment when I realized how empty my life was. Here are the ways I completely lost myself in my failed relationship:

1. I Didn’t Have Any Hobbies. I’ll admit it — I’m one of those girls who likes to take on her boyfriend’s hobbies. If I’m with someone who’s really passionate about a certain sport or a genre of music, I want to know as much as I can about it. My ex was a huge NBA fan, so I adopted his love and passion for basketball. In the process, my own hobbies took a backseat, like my love for drawing and my dedication to hitting the gym and keeping my butt in shape.
2. I Gave Up My Support System. Choosing to move far away from my family and friends meant I left my entire life behind and attempted to start a brand new life with him. But after the breakup, I realized how important it was to have a strong support system outside of a romantic relationship. I relied on him way too much, and when he left, I realized how crucial my support system was to my well-being.
3. I Was Completely Alone. I was accustomed to him being right next to me all the time. It hit me when he left that I was absolutely alone, and I was a bit terrified. I never made the effort to meet friends in my new city because I thought my ex was going to fill every single void I had in my life. Big mistake.
4. My Needs Were Never Met. I compromised my own needs and desires just to make him happy, and I always went above and beyond to make sure he was always okay. But this turned our relationship into a completely one-sided situation, and I was never comfortable with expressing my own desires. I didn’t want to rock the boat too much, and sadly, that meant my needs were never met.
5. My Future Was Wrapped Up in Him. There came a point when I realized my entire future was wrapped up in whatever decision he made for us. Sure, we made plans together, but in the end, I was willing to pick up and relocate my life to accommodate his career goals. I never once thought about what I really wanted, which direction I wanted my career to take, and where I wanted to settle down. I was content with letting him decide my fate instead of figuring out my own long-term and short-term goals.
6. I Never Took Time for Myself. We were together 24/7; but on the rare occasion that we were apart, we were constantly texting, talking on the phone or FaceTiming each other. Once we went our separate ways, I realized I never really took time for myself during our relationship. I always felt the need to check in with him when we were apart, and when we were together, my whole world was all about him and only him.
7. I Was Too Dependent. I always depended on him to make me feel safe, and I relied on him way too much for my own emotional well-being. Being in a new town meant I was unfamiliar with my surroundings, so I depended on him to help me navigate my way through the city. If I had a bad day, I looked to him for comfort, and I never made any decisions, whether they were big or small, without running them by him first.
8. I Didn’t Experience Life Without Him. If he didn’t feel like going out to eat, I would stay at home with him. If he didn’t want to see the film I was dying to see, I just wouldn’t go to the cinema at all. I missed out on so many experiences because I didn’t want to live life without him. I didn’t have the strength or the confidence to say “screw you” and head out to the movies by myself or go out to a bar and have a drink alone. I felt required to experience every single thing with him or I wouldn’t experience it at all.
9. I Felt Uninspired. I became so comfortable in the relationship that I got lazy and completely let myself go. I was no longer motivated to take care of myself and my appearance. I assumed I had found my life partner, and I felt okay with skipping out on the gym for months at a time. I felt uninspired about everything; and I settled for who I was at that point in time instead of learning, growing and evolving into a better version of myself.
10. I Never Came First. I put him first so much, I eventually started to forget who I was as a person. What did I like to do? What made me happy? Once he left, these were the questions I was forced to ask myself. Putting him and his needs first meant I was always placed on the back burner, and I really had to take the time to get reacquainted with myself and regain my sense of self.