If I’m being honest, I knew the end was coming. We hadn’t been happy in a while and you’d been dropping hints that you were thinking of leaving for a long time. I probably should have tried harder, done something more or ended things myself, but I was so afraid to be without you that I ignored all the red flags and every problem. Here’s why:
- I just didn’t want to face the truth. I wanted to keep believing in our fairytale rather than facing reality because the reality of our relationship ending was too painful to bear. Instead, I ignored every sign telling me we were headed for a breakup. If you didn’t say the words then I could believe our love was still true. That sentiment only lasted so long, though, until you finally did pluck up the courage to end it all and I was slapped with some pretty harsh truth.
- I couldn’t mourn you until I could accept I had lost you. I didn’t want to accept that you were really gone. I wanted to keep fighting for you even if you were no longer fighting for me. I wasn’t giving up on us even if deep down I knew I should. I didn’t want to face the fact that we were over but by not letting you go, I kept hurting myself anyway. I tried with all I could to keep myself from going through heartbreak, but there are just some things you can’t control…
- I thought my love for you would be enough. I believed love could conquer all, but not if that love is unrequited. I thought if I loved you and you used to love me that eventually you could love me again, even if you didn’t love me now. I was living in a false fairytale, hoping for the best when I should have been preparing for the worst. You didn’t love me, and I couldn’t do a thing to change that.
- I thought you were my last chance at love. That’s why I couldn’t give up. You were my last shot so I thought if I didn’t make this relationship work, no relationship ever would. I didn’t want to admit that it was over because I didn’t want to face the idea that I might never love again.
- I didn’t know how to stop loving you. It wasn’t a switch I could just turn off. I didn’t know where to begin trying to get over you. I thought you were the love of my life, and how do you stop true love in its tracks? You may have been over me, but I was anything but over you, and until I accepted we were over, I wasn’t able to move on.
- I believed in the future I thought we had. I thought you were “The One.” We had an envisioned a life together. We talked about getting married, having children, and growing old together. I believed in that dream. I believed in us, so how was I supposed to give that up? After all, you once believed in it too.
- I thought if I didn’t acknowledge our problems, they’d just go away. If I didn’t give them life then they didn’t exist — at least that’s what I wanted to believe. I ignored the problem while still pushing solutions. I thought if I could fix things before they were fully broken, everything would be okay, but those problems only grew bigger and eventually we broke apart anyway.
- I thought you’d go back to the boy you used to be. I was in love with a boy who no longer existed, but I couldn’t admit that to myself. I watched you change into a different man before my eyes, a guy I barely recognized, and all I wanted was for you to be the sweet boy I fell in love with once again. Unfortunately, people change and we can never turn back time.
- I didn’t understand how you could suddenly stop loving me. One day it felt like I was the most important thing in the world to you and the next I felt like nothing. It all happened so fast that neither my heart nor my head could catch up with your whirlwind feelings. I was so in love with you and I couldn’t understand how you fell out of love with me. I still don’t.
- I was afraid of starting over. I didn’t want to go back to square one. I didn’t want to be alone again. I was afraid of all the uncertainty that a life without you held. I was young and I had the world at my feet, but I wasn’t prepared. I had put all my eggs into your basket and I had no plans for a future without you. My denial didn’t stop things. We were over and whether or not I liked it, I was starting over with nothing.