It was the middle of the night and I was wide awake, hiding in the bathroom, with his phone in my hands. I had this nagging suspicion that something was going on behind my back, and it was now or never. My hands were shaking violently as I carefully opened one app after another. It didn’t take long for me to realize the past few months had been a complete lie and I never would’ve known the truth if I hadn’t gone looking for it.
- I almost didn’t do it. These suspicions that my ex had been fooling around haunted me for weeks. I confronted him about my concerns, but he was always so cool and collected, and I always ended up looking foolish and paranoid. I knew creeping on his phone would lead me down a path I wouldn’t be able to turn back from. This was a breach of trust, and I had to think long and hard about what I was getting myself into.
- I needed to trust my gut. I’d write him a quick, sweet post on his Facebook wall and it would magically disappear a few hours later. We’d make plans to hang out on his campus instead of mine, and he’d never want to leave the room. At some point, I began to realize something wasn’t right. It was as if he didn’t want anyone outside of his close group of friends to know that he was in a relationship with me. My gut instincts rarely lead me astray.
- I’ve never felt such a mix of guilt and smugness. After I discovered the worst on his phone, a strange range of emotions washed over me. I was weirdly guilty for invading his privacy, but I was also feeling smug and validated. In the end, it didn’t feel good, and I promised myself I’d never put myself in a position where I’d come close to feeling this way again.
- I realized this behavior wasn’t normal. As I was standing there in his cold, dark bathroom in the middle of the night, a totally obvious thought struck me: I shouldn’t have been made to feel like the only way I could uncover the truth was by doing something so sneaky. I felt like a stranger in my own skin in that moment. I knew I should’ve left long before I did, but I needed to know the truth.
- It made me realize we didn’t have open communication. I was always loud and proud about our relationship. Initially, he treated me so well and I felt lucky to be with him. I knew deep down that there was a reason he was deleting all of my Facebook posts and keeping me behind closed doors, but I didn’t want to keep badgering him with my paranoid thoughts. Even though my feelings were justified, I chose to keep my mouth shut and it was a huge mistake.
- It gave me the proof I needed to move on. This guy and I dated on and off long before our last four-month stint. He always ended up disappointing me, but I kept thinking this time around would be different. Finding out that he was sleeping around and disrespecting me in such an overt way was the one thing I needed to finally leave him for good.
- I knew I’d find trouble. I never would have crossed the line and stolen his personal property if I thought I wouldn’t find anything. Some may argue that I still didn’t have the right to do what I did, that I should’ve just walked away when he first started acting suspicious, but I’m not perfect. I needed the confirmation of seeing the crappy things he was doing with my own eyes so I wouldn’t be left with the “what if” factor after I left.
- I’ve never felt the need to do it again. I might be exposing my inner uber-nerd here, but my ex boyfriend’s phone was “the ring” and I was Gollum from “Lord Of The Rings”. His phone gave off a pull I couldn’t quite explain. Each time he would pick it up and turn the screen away from me just enough so I couldn’t glance at it, the more I wanted to grab it for myself. That strange urge never haunted me again outside of that failed relationship, and I’m forever thankful for that. The boyfriends that followed weren’t perfect, but they didn’t lead double lives either.
- I date differently now. It may sound extreme to some, but I’ve set expectations when it comes to the role technology plays in my relationships. Dating these days comes with completely different obstacles and problems that our parents never experienced, and many of them revolve around social media and cell phones. I think it’s important that this new generation has honest conversations with each other about boundaries and access in relation to our online lives.
- I learned a valuable lesson. Privacy is important, and despite my past actions, I value it. However, I’ve decided that it’s important for me to only enter into relationships with men who are willing to keep the lines of communication open in the cyber world and the real world.
