I’m Not In One Of My Best Friends’ Wedding & I’m Super Miffed—Here’s Why

My best friend is getting married and I’m super happy for him. There’s just one small problem: he didn’t put me in his wedding party! Admittedly, I’m super hurt by it especially because I’m pretty sure it has to do with the fact that I’m a woman. WTF?

1. He told me that if I was a dude, he’d put me in the wedding. I’m best friends with him, not his fiancee. Don’t get me wrong, I love the woman he’s marrying, but I met him first so I’m loyal to him first. I didn’t expect to be in her wedding party for those same reasons. But I kind of expected to be in his because we’re so close! When he told me that if I was a guy, he would have put me in the wedding, it totally crushed me.
2. He chose someone else he’s not even that close to instead of me. My replacement is a mutual guy friend of ours. They’re definitely close but I know they aren’t as close as we are. I’m convinced that he only chose this dude because he has a penis even though he knows that our friendship is much stronger and more intimate (not in that way, obviously).
3. He met with me to talk about it, so I know he feels bad. He told me that he has a surprise about the wedding and wanted to talk in person so we went to get lunch. I was mega amped and felt sure he was going to be like, “Please be in my wedding!” Instead, he told me that he was putting our mutual friend in it. I plastered the biggest smile on my face even though hugely disappointed and blabbered out that I was happy for him when really I was crushed. In retrospect, I think he wanted to tell me personally because maybe he knew that I was expecting a spot in the party and didn’t want me to find out from anyone else. While that’s considerate of him, it still sucks.
4. I basically planned his proposal. My bitterness definitely stems from the fact that I helped him with the proposal. This other guy didn’t even know that he was planning to propose! I went with my BFF to the ring shop and spent time thinking about what his fiancee would want from him. I helped him plan the actual proposal and was on standby the day-of to catch candids of “the moment.” Don’t you think all of that effort deserves some kind of special recognition…like a spot in the wedding party?
5. I kind of feel embarrassed. I know this is weird, but I kind of feel intensely embarrassed. I spent so much time helping him with the proposal and being his right-hand man. Our friends knew that I was super involved and all thought that it was super cute that he was involving me, his BFF, in this big moment in his life. So when I found out that he decided not to put me in the wedding, it made me feel foolish and embarrassed for doing so much. I wouldn’t change anything necessarily, but I might have tempered my expectations so I didn’t feel so hurt when I didn’t get a spot in the wedding party.
6. I understand that he’s super traditional, but it still hurts. Part of me feels silly for feeling so hurt by this. I know he’s deeply traditional and believes in gender roles for things like weddings. I guess I just felt that I would be an exception to his rule since I was so involved in the proposal preparation. This just teaches me that I probably shouldn’t be so presumptuous in the future!
7. I’d make an amazing groomsman. I’m an excellent planner, I can throw a badass party, and we both have an amazing time whenever we hang out together. What else does he even need in a groomsman? Oh right…a penis.
8. It makes me question the depth of our friendship. You ever think that you and someone have a super tight bond, that you’re both on the same page in terms of your bond, and then the other person does something that challenges it? Yeah, that’s exactly what’s happening in my friendship with this guy! On the one hand, I figure that maybe this is why he wanted me to be so involved in the proposal—because he always knew he wouldn’t put me in the actual wedding. On the other hand, I feel like if we were truly the BFFs I thought we were, I would be a part of his wedding no questions asked.
9. If roles were reversed, I’d offer him a spot. If I were the one getting married I totally would have asked him to be apart of my special day. I probably wouldn’t have called him a bridesmaid, but I would’ve asked him to stand up there next to me as I said my vows. It’s more important to me for my closest friends to bear witness to my wedding and to travel with me on the road to marriage than for me to adhere to any gender norms. I wish he felt that way too.
10. Wedding or no wedding, he’s still my best friend. Even though I’ve been salty about this for weeks, I know that I can’t let a wedding come between us. Sure, it’s a major experience of his life that I’ll only get to be a part of on the actual wedding day when I join as a guest. That really sucks. Still, he and I have a bond that will hopefully outlive this moment in time. We’ll have our families and hopefully continue to be in each other’s lives in a meaningful way. To me, that’s the most important thing—it just might take me some time to get over it.