Why Baby Showers Are The Worst

There will inevitably come a time in your life when you start getting baby shower invitations in the mail. You’ll likely feel obligated to go because of those pesky social pressures trying to convince you that you should be thrilled that John and Jane are reproducing. While it’s easy to be happy because your expecting friend is happy, going through the motions of yet another baby shower can be terrible for various reasons.

1. It’s the same thing over and over again. Have you ever been to a shower where you thought, “Wow, this is really unique!”? Probably not. If the couple knows the baby’s sex, there will be either blue or pink stuff all over the place. If the couple doesn’t want to go the “traditional gender roles” route, there won’t be a color scheme or there will be some weird color like pale green everywhere. Then everyone will sit around in different little clusters and have the same conversation repeatedly for five hours. Whoop-dee-freaking-doo.
2. They’re awkward if you’re single. If you dare attend a baby shower single, prepare to be bombarded with intrusive, uncomfortable questions about your love life. All of the paired-off women might look at you as if they pity your sad, single existence. Don’t you see they have it made and you clearly don’t because there’s no man in your life? How dare you be a husband-less female at a baby shower, you evil, independent, financially stable shrew!
3. They’re even more awkward if you don’t want kids. Opting for the childfree route is perfectly fine, but some of the attendees may have a Brobdingnagian problem with that if they find out. They’ll tell you that you’ll change your mind or call you selfish, even if they have no knowledge of you as a person or your medical history. While you sit there and clumsily try to defend yourself, you’ll feel trapped in the gravitational pull of every gigantic pregnant belly in the room. They’re the local solar system and you’re the lone comet passing through on your way to adventure.
4. Some parents are entitled as hell. The soon-to-be parents that the shower is honoring and the incumbent parents in attendance can be so obnoxious. They behave like the world and all of its inhabitants owe them something just because they performed the oh-so-unique act of reproduction. And on top of that, the expecting couple sometimes registers for ridiculously expensive gifts like $1,000 luxury strollers. Not all couples will do this, of course, but the ones that do just might get pissed at their guests for not “providing” for their future bundle of joy.
5. They’re expensive. Seriously. $1,000 dollar luxury strollers. See #4.
6. Several hours of grown women cooing will give you a migraine. All the “oooooohhhs” and “awwwwws” during present-opening time will cause irreparable psychological damage. While everyone else is making lovey-dovey faces at onesies and tiny socks, you’ll feel an agonizing ache forming deep in your skull. That pain is your brain cells waterboarding themselves.
7. There might be a creepy childbirth cake there. These are a thing. These cakes are a thing and we let it happen, society. Whoever thought that these cakes were funny and/or acceptable needs to have their personality bleached. If that fails, then death by scaphism is a satisfactory punishment.
8. If you have a dirty mind, you’re going to picture the couple having sex. You know how babies are made, you sick fiend. You already involuntarily imagined it when they told you they were expecting, but now those horrible, graphic images are forcing their way into your mind again. What position do you think was the golden ticket? Holy sh*t STOP IT, BRAIN.
9. No one is going to shut the hell up about childbirth. Most sentences you hear will start with, “When I was in labor…” This shindig is an endless circle jerk of epidurals, tearing, placentas, poop and post-birth stitches. That’s all fine and dandy, but the mind-numbing redundancy of it all is going to make you pray for a football field-sized meteorite to decimate the cheaply decorated backyard you’re sitting in just so you can experience some excitement.
10. There probably won’t be any booze there. You’re SOL, addicted to booze and socially awkward people. If you want (or desperately need) something to take the edge off, you’re going to have to get drunk beforehand or sneak your own liquor in. Is being drunk at a baby shower frowned upon by society? What’s the worst that could happen if you get plastered and completely lose your sarcasm filter? Questions to consider.