We’ve all read them; 8 Positions That Will Rock His World, 9 Sex Fetishes You Might Want To Try At Least Once, How to Spice up Your Sex Life, etc, etc. All of these articles list these sex positions that look like current day torture methods. Throughout my life, I’ve tried to be an experimental sexual being and I’ve attempted my fair share of positions that promise euphoria in the bedroom. After all of my hard work, sweat and dedication, here is a compiled list of sex positions to skip when you’re feeling frisky:
- Shower Power. WHY do movies make this look so easy and fun? Not only is there basically no room to function, the idea of it is way sexier than the actual act. I have attempted to have sex in the shower more than a few times and do you want to know how it ends up? Me on my knees, performing oral, in the shower with mascara running down my face because it’s either too slippery, I’m too tall and getting it in is impossible or there is nowhere for me to prop my leg to make things easier. The shower may be steamy but the sex that was supposed to happen in it is NOT.
- The Wheelbarrow. I can only do about 15 pushups without wanting to cut my arms off in misery, so why would I think it would be fun to try the wheelbarrow? Beats me. My ex and I decided to try it and I ungracefully collapsed after about 30 seconds. With the thrusting and my apparent lack of upper arm strength, I was doomed from the start.
- The Open Road Blow Job. I was in an accident while doing this. Just don’t do it. Your left side falls asleep after a few minutes and you will bang your head on the steering wheel at least once. It only sounds good in movies. In reality, it’s more dangerous than anything else.
- The Butter Churner. For those who don’t recognize this “sexy” sounding position, here’s the low down: the girl is on her back with her legs raised up in the air over her head while the male stands above her and squats and enters her. This has got to be the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been and the most unattractive I’ve ever felt. My actual words after a few pumps were, “This cannot be sexy,” but for whatever reason, he thought it was VERY sexy. Sorry, but my spine and dignity couldn’t handle it for much longer.
- The Forward-Facing Spoon. This one is basically exactly like it sounds. You spoon each other while facing each other, which, now that I’m writing it, sounds as bad as it was. I will say that I used to like this position, until I gave an ex-fling a bloody nose from my slamming my head into him as I climaxed.
- The Wraparound. This is the position that’s on the cover of The Kama Sutra. The man is sitting crossed-leg and the woman sits on top of him while wrapping her legs around his back. I decided to try this because my best friend said it was a very intimate experience. My ex and I tried it and after a minute, we both started laughing and just went straight for doggy style. It was hard to penetrate and find a rhythm without losing balance.
- The Erotic Auto. No matter how you position yourself, there are two reasons why car sex is a bad idea: 1) It’s against the law to have sex in public, and if you get caught you could be listed as a sex offender; 2) There isn’t as much room as you think there is. Sure, a minivan is way more spacious than my old ’97 Pontiac Sunfire, but it’s still a disaster waiting to happen. Legs get cramped, it overheats, and the next day, you’ll have bruises in places you didn’t know you had.
- The Spider. You know the crab walk you did in elementary school for races in gym class? Well, picture both you and your partner in that position, intertwined, while trying to enjoy yourself. What a mess this experience was. It was my boyfriend’s idea and I tried to stick it out, but just as he was about to climax, I lost my balance and fell. Things got messy. I really need to work on my upper body strength.
