Your 20-something year old self would be so ashamed of you. She never thought you would see the day when you didn’t have plans on a Friday night, now you dread the ones when you do. If you’re wondering how your parents had three of you at your age when you can barely take care of yourself, you are probably 30-ish.
- You notice your first gray hairs. A few years ago, you would find a few stray grays and pluck them out. Now, if you let your tweezers do the job you would practically be bald. Good thing you found a good colorist and she’s on speed dial. And just think, in a few short years, the hair down there will start to turn, too.
- You start getting random hairs. As if the grays weren’t enough to deal with, now you have random follicles sprouting up on your chin, neck, and oh yes, even your boobs.
- Hangovers. Remember when you were 25 and would get stupid drunk and brag the next day how you don’t get hangovers? Well, all that changed the day you turned 30, but instead of being strung out for a day, now you need a full weekend to recover.
- Everything you do involves wine. You retired your beer bong and only take shots at bachelorette parties, but you’ve seriously stepped up your wine game. But really you’re just paying attention to your health, because duh, red wine cures cancer.
- You forget you are no longer in your 20s. That is, until you see a 20-something strutting around in a crop top and then oh yeah, you remembered.
- Your metabolism stopped working. You have at least 30 more years until you can retire, but your metabolism didn’t get the memo. She decided she put in enough work through your college days and decided to bail. Now you can’t even eat a carrot without gaining weight.
- Your digestive system did, too. Hello, heartburn and acid reflux and goodbye Taco Tuesdays. Now instead of carrying a bottle of wine in your purse for emergencies, you carry around a Costco sized bottle of Tums. Okay, who are we kidding? You just bought a bigger purse.
- All of your friends are married. And the few that aren’t are desperately trying to be. In fact, the only time you see most of your friends nowadays is at their weddings, showers, christenings, children’s birthday parties, etc. But it’s cool, maybe this year you’ll have a party for your dog.
- You gave up on going out. Because, Netflix! And because you have no one to go out with. And because you worked all week and you’re tired. And because you have nothing to wear. Remember when you used to have going out clothes? Now there are work clothes and there are yoga pants, and given the choice, yyoga pants always win.
- You don’t stay out late. Remember when you used to pull all-nighters like it ain’t no thing? Now you’re lucky to make it until midnight. But really you’re just finally deciding to listen to your mother, who told you nothing good ever happens after 2am.
- You’re losing your sense of adventure. Roller coasters used to be fun, but now, they’re just a recipe for motion sickness, and the reality that there is only one small metal bar between you and death. Plus, engaging in any activity that isn’t a part of your daily routine will result in body aches for days to come.
- Things aren’t as fun as they used to be. You used to love going to festivals, but now you see them for what they really are: hot, dirty, overpriced stuff shows. You’ll still go because you aren’t ready to give up on life quite yet, but you’ll be miserable most of the time.
- You have money. Things aren’t all bad, because you’re saving a lot of money by never doing anything, plus you’re actually making a respectable living now. Instead of blowing your cash on impulse items, you’re saving for big ticket items like that sleep number bed you’ve been wanting for years, but bought the Givenchy heels instead.
- Birthdays are the worst days. You can’t eat the cake anymore (see #6) and when you try to rage like you did at your 25th birthday party, you end up missing a week of work.
- You feel old. How can you simultaneously feel too old for everything yet somehow still not quite feel like an adult? Welcome to 30, where you never thought you could be so happy being so boring.
