Kissing is like a preview of what someone is going to be like in bed. To some people, it’s even more intimate than having sex. Whether or not you agree with that, there’s no denying that a bad kisser can be a complete turn-off, because if they don’t know how to kiss, what are the chances they know how to do any of the other stuff? Here are 12 types of kissers you won’t be looking forward to locking lips with again anytime soon.
- The tonsil licker. Whoever coined the phrase “tonsil hockey” as slang for making out was a terrible kisser. Your tonsils should not be involved. In fact, they shouldn’t even leave the locker room for this one. If he thinks he needs to get them in the game by shoving his tongue so far down your throat that your gag reflex is triggered, he needs to GTFO right now.
- The pecker. There’s nothing worse than someone going in for a kiss, making you think, “Awesome, we’re going to make out!” and then it’s just a quick peck, followed by another quick peck, and then another. What do you even do with that? No one likes a timid, bird-like kisser.
- The guy who needs verbal consent every time. Asking isn’t so bad in some situations; it can even be sweet. But if he’s never confident enough to just go in for a kiss, it’s going to get old. What girl doesn’t like a spontaneous make out sesh every once in awhile? He shouldn’t need to confirm with you every time he wants to kiss you.
- The face licker. Dry kisses aren’t exactly enjoyable either, but if you have someone else’s saliva all over your face, that’s too much. Unless you’re dating a German shepherd, there’s no need to put up with any level of face licking.
- The teeth bumper. The flip side of the timid bird kisser is the guy who comes at you, teeth bared. He shoves his face so fast and hard into yours that you actually smash your teeth together. It’s like a car crash for your face, and it’s never good.
- Garbage breath guy. He might be the perfect kisser in every way, but if his breath smells, and subsequently tastes, like there’s a dead animal rotting inside his body, it’s all over. You shouldn’t feel like you’re going to throw up when you’re making out with someone.
- The biter. Maybe he thinks it’s a little bit naughty to nibble on your bottom lip. He’s right… in theory. Some people are into the pain thing, but it’s generally not advisable to draw blood. It kind of kills the mood.
- The face grabber. Gentle face touching is welcomed. Even the occasional rough face grab in moments of passion is appreciated. But no one likes having their head manhandled when they’re trying to exercise their make out skills. You aren’t a CPR dummy after all, so you’re perfectly capable of handling your end of this experience. He’s like the backseat driver of making out.
- The starer. Have you ever let your eyes flutter open while making out only to find out your partner has been staring directly at you the whole time? It’s scary. Inhuman even. Close your eyes, you weirdo!
- The stiff tongue. He knows that tongue is necessary for a good kiss, but he definitely doesn’t know what to do with it. This guy will just dart his tongue into your mouth every once in awhile, and before you know it, it’s retreated back to his mouth. He’ll do this at perfectly timed intervals, making you wonder if he’s some kind of robot programmed to “use tongue”.
- The avoider. He’ll kiss your cheek, and your chin, and your neck, and maybe even nibble on your ear lobe. But he’ll avoid your lips as if kissing them is a capital crime punishable by death.
- The vacuum. Not only does he think hickies are acceptable (we’re not 13 — they aren’t), but when he kisses you it seems like he’s trying to suck your organs right out through your throat. He’ll suck on your tongue and your bottom lip too, so don’t be surprised if you wake up tomorrow looking like you got punched in the mouth.
