I can’t tell you the last time I smiled. It’s not because I’m miserable (although this weather is pretty depressing), but simply because my face is permanently stuck in what has become known as “resting bitch face.” Granted, it keeps people on their toes and (hopefully) assuming I’m some sort of femme fatale assassin on the side, but it means I get the same annoying comments over and over again, and it’s exhausting.
- “Wtf is your problem?” When I used to work in an office, I would hear this on a regular basis from my fellow editors. I didn’t have a problem, of course — I was just alive.
- “Why are you always in a bad mood?” To be honest, I’m rarely in a bad mood. Sure, my husband cheated on me with a zygote and ran off with her to make music in a cardboard box somewhere in the streets of Paris, but that’s just sad. I’ve been in an awesome mood for years. Really.
- “Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” What does this even mean? Is there scientific proof that there is a wrong side of the bed? And if so, how does one deduce which is the wrong side? This isn’t just an annoying thing to say, but it doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.
- “Who pissed you off?” While I can be pissed off, it takes a lot. You could call me a douchebag, and I would accept that as being your (correct) opinion of me. I’m not pissed off; I’m so happy and cheery that if I were to show it, you’d die from shock. So, actually, I’m saving your life.
- “I never want to get on your bad side.” Although this is a very true statement, at least in my case because I believe in lifelong grudges, I refuse to believe that every woman with resting bitch face is such a nightmare if you got on her bad side. Why do I think this? Because the world would have burned the hell down by now.
- “Smile.” Ugh. Of course, being told to smile by your friends or family isn’t as bad as being told to smile by some skeevy guy on the street, but it does fall on us the same way in that you’re telling us what YOU want US to do. Don’t do that. Never do that.
- “Are you mad at me?” This question always makes me laugh – although I never show it, of course. I think it’s really entertaining that someone could be so self-involved as to think that my entire happiness and mood could be related to their existence. Because it’s such an absurd question, I just let them think that yes, I’m livid with them.
- *Silent fear* It doesn’t matter how much I tip or thank the people at my local coffee shop, I still get the same look of silent fear every single morning. I would smile to assure them I’m not going to take them out back and kill them, but does anyone smile before their morning coffee? Like anyone at all? Bueller?
- “You could try being nice for a change.” I’m nice! I’m so nice that I make nice people look like mean serial killers! That’s now nice I am! I shouldn’t have to un-bitch my face to prove it, goddamnit!
- “Why are you looking at me like that?” Like what? Seriously, how do you want me to look at you? Should I coddle you with my eyes? Look at you the way I’d look at a perfect, soft little bunny which would probably be the same exact way? I don’t understand the question.
- “You’re such a bitch.” This is probably a very true statement, but to quote Tina Fey, “Bitches get stuff done.” What have you done today?
- And when you DO smile: “OMG. What’s wrong?” What’s wrong is that I wanted to scare the hell out of you for a change. And show you my pearly whites, of course.
