12 Questions Long-Term Couples Should Regularly Ask Themselves

When you’ve been with someone for a while and have fallen into an easy routine, it can be difficult to look at your relationship critically. If you feel like something’s out of place, it’s worth figuring out whether the relationship is still right for you or if you’re sticking around because you’re too comfortable to change.

  1. Are you still romantic with each other? In the beginning, the mystery of the unknown and excitement of getting to know someone new will keep you going. However, if you’re deep into a relationship and still putting each other up on pedestals, you’re not only setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration, you’re also doing each other a disservice by not understanding your whole selves.
  2. Do you still believe that not arguing makes you a perfect couple? Some couples like to brag that they never argue or disagree over anything. While this seems like a good thing in theory, in practice it can be a major red flag. You should feel comfortable exploring a full range of emotions including anger and frustration, and should also be able to work through the issues together.
  3. Can you be a hot mess together? If you’re still putting up a facade or it seems like one of you is always ‘on,’ then you have a problem. Being in a long-term relationship should bring out your truest, most authentic self, and if you’re still not able to be as real as possible around each other, then it’s worth figuring out why that’s the case.
  4. Are you working too hard at this? Yes, all relationships require work, but if you’re finding that the work-play balance of your relationship is running you down, you need to ask yourself why. If you can’t get back to the reasons that you fell in love in the first place, then you need to consider whether it’s worth fighting so hard or if you’re still in it because of the amount of time you’ve already invested.
  5. Would you rather be right than sorry? There’s something powerful about being able to let go of your ego. If you’re always looking to be right and constantly trying to win an argument, you might want to take a step back and question why that’s the case. Being sorry is far more powerful — it means you’ve discovered something about how you treat your partner, and it empowers you to make changes and grow together. Being right just gives you permission to gloat for a while.
  6. Do you want each other or do you need each other? Co-dependency is something that crops up in a lot of relationships. Are you still doing things that are just for you, or have you merged all of your hobbies and social groups? Do you find that you desperately need your partner in order to feel OK, or that you’re fine by yourself, but actively want to spend time with them and have them in your life? It’s a fine line, but one allows you to build together, and the other could lead to unhealthy self esteem issues that can negatively effect your relationship in the long run.
  7. Can you handle each other’s bad habits? If their habits are driving you nuts, you have to decide whether or not they’re a dealbreaker for you. If they are, have an open discussion and see if they’d be willing to change or compromise — and be sure to meet them half way. If they aren’t open to change, or they just won’t discuss it (which they’re perfectly entitled to do), then consider whether you’re willing to learn to tolerate this for the long haul.
  8. Do you have each other’s backs? Are you sure that when things get rough and you need your partner, they’ll be there? If you can think of a scenario where they won’t, ask yourself why that’s the case. Being able to talk about it openly can bring you closer together. If you have any doubt that they’ll have your back, you should worry.
  9. Can you accept that sometimes you’re the bad guy? Being the bad guy doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. Once you accept that, you’ll see a huge change in your relationships — romantic and otherwise. If you can’t accept that sometimes you’re wrong, selfish, or inconsiderate, you’re likely to fall into behavioral patterns that lead to resentment and unkindness in the long run.
  10. Are you bored? While routine can be comforting, familiarity can also be the death of a good relationship. If you find that you’re going through the motions and aren’t looking forward to spending time with your partner, look for ways to spice things up and surprise each other. Talk about the fact that you’re worried about falling into a routine with your significant other and come up with ways to make sure that neither of you gets bored.
  11. Do you still challenge each other? Does your partner still surprise you — not with fancy dates or sweet notes in your wallet, but with their ideas, thoughts, plans and opinions? If you find someone who still challenges the way you see the world and opens you up to new ideas, hang on tight. If you find that you don’t mentally stretch each other, it’s worth asking why and how you can change this.
  12. Have you settled?  This is the harshest reality check of them all, but one of the most important. Of course love goes through a number of different phases and real relationships take work, dedication and commitment in order to succeed. However, if the real problem is that you have a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that there’s someone out there who’s a better match for you, then do yourself and your partner a favor and come clean. You both deserve to be with someone that’s right for you, and by staying with the wrong person, you rob them of their chance for happiness, too.
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