13 Irrational, Anxious Thoughts I Have Whenever A Guy Isn’t Texting Me Back

One of the most frustrating problems with dating is dealing with someone who takes forever to reply to your messages. If you’re particularly anxious like I am, that hour or five that goes by between texts can have your mind doing some pretty crazy gymnastics trying to figure out why it’s been so long since he made your phone buzz. Sure, what PROBABLY happened is that his phone died, or he got busy at work, or he took a nap, but that doesn’t always stop my brain from jumping to the worst of conclusions:

  1. He hates me. He’s thought about it long and hard for the half hour since my text went through, and he’s simply decided that he would rather stay celibate for the rest of his life than continue talking to me. It’s probably because I used “haha” while he uses “lol.” Or maybe he’s pissed that I finished my food before he did on our date two weeks ago. The possibilities are endless, really.
  2. He’s having sex with someone else at this very moment. It’s probably amazing sex. Way more amazing than it would ever be with me. In between orgasms, they’re passing the time by throwing darts at a picture of me.
  3. He lost my contact info. He MEANT to hit “reply” but instead deleted my number. Now, he’s dying to get a hold of me somehow but has no idea how he’s going to do it. Sure, I have accounts on every social media app ever created, but he’s probably so worried about wondering how he’ll text me back that he’s forgotten all about them.
  4. I’ve gravely offended him. My last text commenting on how cute his dog is has reminded him of the time that his late grandmother said the exact. same. thing. He assumes that I must be mocking her and has resigned to never speak to me again.
  5. He’s laughing at me with his friends right now. Of course he can’t text me back — he’s too busy making fun of me with all his friends. They’re going through all my Instagram selfies cracking up over how someone as ugly as me could ever hope to have a chance with a guy like him. This two-hour delay is probably them scheming up what he should say next to encourage me to make as much of a fool of myself as possible.
  6. None of my messages are going through. I have half a mind to call my phone company right this instant and demand that they fix their poor service. Sure, all my other texts seem to be going through, but it must just be bad chemistry between his phone and mine. That’s how technology works, right?
  7. None of *his* messages are going through. He’s probably tried to send me five messages in a row and is wondering why I’M not texting HIM back. Alas! Such a tragic twist in our tale of romance.
  8. His phone malfunctioned and marked my message as “read” before he even saw it. So now, my super-ultra-important message about his cute dog will be lost among the other, far less important messages he’s already read. It will sit at the bottom of his digital ocean while he assumes I’m ignoring him.
  9. He’s deliberately waiting just to torment me. He knows very well that I’m sitting here checking my phone every thirty seconds, and he likes it. Maybe he’s just trying to get me to want him more, or maybe his (previously discussed) hatred for me has inspired him to make me as miserable as possible.
  10. He just realized he’s had me mistaken for someone else this whole time. He THOUGHT he was chatting with a prettier, funnier girl he met on Tinder, and now that he’s realized his mistake, he wants nothing to do with me. The fact that he’s used my name multiple times in our conversations is completely irrelevant.
  11. He’s being held hostage. Turns out, he was a Very Important Man this whole time, and now, he’s been captured. His phone’s been taken away, and even as they hold a knife to his throat and demand Very Important Information, the only thing he can think about his how desperately he wants to reply to me. So romantic. So brave.
  12. His phone was destroyed. Right as he was replying to me, he tripped, fell, and dropped his phone down a sewer, where it was instantly devoured by a sewer gator. Or maybe it was run over by a car, or stolen by thieves, or fell out the window. Or maybe he just dropped it into the toilet (where it was then eaten by the sewer gator).
  13. He’s dead. Let’s be real here: this is the most logical explanation. I should double — no, TRIPLE-text him just to make sure, but deep in my heart, I know that he’s already lying lifeless in a ditch somewhere.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.
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