We’ve all woken up, looked at our phones, and wished there was an app that would block our texts if our blood alcohol content was too high. While it’s generally not smart to text your professor, boss, or parole officer when you’re intoxicated, there are always exceptions to the rule. Here are 10 times when drunk texting actually IS a good idea:
- You need to get the party started. Almost surefire steps to make a boring party better are a) get drunk and b) text everyone you know. Alcohol will make you think it’s a great idea to reach out everyone you’ve ever met, including numbers you don’t remember getting, and then harass whoever responds relentlessly until they cave and come out.
- You really just need some D. On those nights where literally anyone would do but you don’t want to risk the possibility of rejection in person, rely on the drunk text to deliver someone to your doorstep. This method guarantees the person you wake up next to is at least someone you already know, and you can tell yourself any unanswered booty texts must just be because he was already asleep/too drunk to text/with his girlfriend.
- You need to get something off your chest. If something has been bothering you for some time but you can’t find a good time to bring it up, go ahead and use the drunk text to get it off your chest. This strategy helps you avoid lengthy discussions about the topic and gives you leeway to be a tad but meaner than you would get away with in person, as long as you include the morning “I’m sorry I was drunk” text.
- You need courage to ask someone out. Some may even find it endearing that you need liquid courage to get up the nerve to ask them out, and no humiliating face-to-face rejection.
- All your friends want to stay in. When your friends are being super boring and insisting they need things like sleep to survive, use the drunk text to manipulate their deepest fear: missing out. Include a drunk pic to drive them in hyper-FOMO, which almost guarantees they’ll make it out that night.
- You want some freaky sex when you come home. When you’re out with the girls and that last whiskey has you channeling your inner sex star, drunk text your man to let him know that it’s on. A sober text may lead to flower petals and candles when you return home, but the drunk text motivates your man to run out to your local sex shop for whips and handcuffs.
- You need help “playing the field “. If you struggle to stay single and often find yourself committing to someone too soon, use the drunk text to help you shake the idea that you should be loyal to some guy because he bought you a steak the other day. Go ahead, text that hot barista or yoga instructor that gave you his number. You don’t owe steak guy anything just yet.
- You’re struggling to get over someone. A great idea if you’re tortured with the idea that you might get back together with your ex that just isn’t in to you anymore. Get drunk and text him things so horrifying that you will be forced to delete his number in the morning and accept that it’s over. Example: “Hi I’m drunk” “Where are you” “I miss you” “I’m horny” “I hate you” “You ruined my life” “I’m pregnant” “It’s not yours” “Just kidding it’s yours” “Just kidding but wouldn’t we make beautiful babies?” “You’re a horrible human being” “I’m about to bang some dude I met at the bar” “Unless you come here” “Last chance” “I can’t believe I ever dated you” “I still love you” Foolproof.
- You struggle with confrontation. A healthy relationship includes sober discussions about your problems and an atmosphere where you feel safe and comfortable bringing up issues. But if you are the type of person who really struggles with confrontation, the drunk text can help you initiate the conversation. Drunk text your honey that you need to talk, and work out your issues soberly the next day.
- You find it hard to communicate emotions. There’s a reason you always tell your friends you friggin love them when you’re wasted. It’s because it’s really, really hard to talk about feelings. Have another glass of rose and text your friends, SOS, and siblings how much they mean to you. But be careful, this technique tends not to go over well with your parents or that guy from chemistry class that doesn’t know what your name is.
