It wasn’t long before my gut told me to pack up my things, lace up my Converse, and run for the hills. But despite being in the midst of an extremely toxic relationship that was full of lies, mistrust, manipulation and constant arguments, I stuck it out. I knew our situation was the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted in a relationship, but it was hard for me to let go. Here’s why I stayed even though my relationship was toxic:
- I Got Used to the BS. When our relationship started going into a tailspin, I became immune to the BS. Fighting every day about the littlest things was a part of our daily routine. I knew how unhappy I was on the inside, but I just accepted my life and my bad relationship for what it was. It was like I was stuck in a constant battle between knowing my relationship was doomed, but almost feeling a sense of comfort in the unhealthiness of it all.
- I Thought Toxicity Was the Norm. Everywhere I turned, there was another friend or family member who was in a horrible relationship. My parents were divorced, my aunts and uncles were divorced, my best friend was dealing with a guy who literally wasn’t worth crap. So what made me think my situation would be any different? Being surrounded by people who were also in unhealthy situations made me believe that toxic relationships were the norm. I figured the best way to go about it was to just suck it up and deal with it.
- I Was Determined to Make Things Work. I’ve never been one to just throw in the towel. I pride myself on not being a quitter — whether it pertains to work, playing a sport, or dealing with relationships. I could feel my relationship slipping away, but I was determined to make things work. As things continued to get worse, it only made me try harder to keep things afloat until I was physically and emotionally exhausted. But tending to my toxic relationship was like a habit I didn’t want to break.
- I Was Afraid of Being Alone. I thought about leaving him many times. Hell, I probably thought about it every day. But the thought of being alone was a scary feeling. Being in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship was much more appealing than having to start my life over. It’s pretty sad looking back on it now.
- I Didn’t Think I Could Do Better. Even though I knew we weren’t right for each other, my low self-esteem convinced me I couldn’t do any better than him. What I didn’t realize is that it was my toxic relationship that had me feeling so down about myself and leading me to believe I didn’t have any prospects outside of my partner.
- Change Scared the Hell Out of Me. I knew that walking away meant my whole world would get rocked, and I just wasn’t prepared to go through it. Leaving my ex behind and embarking on a new journey as a single girl terrified me. The fear of being alone was so great that I decided to stay in my toxic relationship instead.
- Our Lives Were So Intertwined It Was Hard to Break Away. We lived together, we had a shared bank account, we had grown close to each other’s families, and we shared many of the same friends. Breaking up meant everything would change. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to move out and afford an apartment on my own, I didn’t want to cut contact with our group of friends, and I knew I would really miss his parents if we decided to go our separate ways. My desire to stay in the relationship was wrapped up in the fact that our lives were so enmeshed that I worried about what would happen if we went our separate ways.
- I Still Had Hope Things Would Get Better. Every day I woke up with the hope that things would improve. I thought maybe we were just going through a rough patch like most couples do. We liked each other enough to spend most of our time together, so I figured it was only a matter a time before the BS would stop and we could get back to loving each other and having fun together.
- I Didn’t Want Him, But I Didn’t Want to Let Go Either. I admit it, I was selfish AF. I knew I didn’t really want him, but I didn’t want to let him go either. I couldn’t stand the thought of him being intimate with another girl or falling madly in love with anyone other than me. So, I held on tight, keeping us both away from breaking free and finding true happiness.
- Despite the BS, I Still Loved Him. Even though our relationship was a tumultuous and toxic hot mess, I still loved and cared about him deeply. It’s not completely impossible for people to remain in love even when they’re in the throes of a destructive and unhealthy relationship. But it’s easy to confuse dysfunction for love, so I stayed with him because I thought love would conquer all, and walking away just wasn’t an option.
