10 Reasons I’m Totally Over Bras

10 Reasons I’m Totally Over Bras ©iStock/Stefano Tinti

It’s that wonderful time of year when the sun shines brightly, my daydreams are filled with beach getaways… and I get a horrible rash under my boobs because it’s 100 degrees outside and I’ve put on a wire and lace torture device to crush the girls into submission. I’m sick of it, and frankly, I’m totally over bras.

  1. Bras suck. No, they really do. You know what no woman has ever done in the history of ever? Put on a bra and sighed, “Ah, that’s better.” They’re expensive as hell and no matter how well they fit, they still manage to poke or prod me in sensitive places. UGH.
  2. I only started wearing one because a girl made fun of me in middle school. Seriously, remember back before bras? I didn’t care if I got cold and my nipples poked out because nobody does in middle school. But the moment some tweenage bully came up and made a snarky comment about my boobs, all of a sudden I have issues about it for life. And you know what? I’m a grown woman and I don’t make decisions based on the judgement of 12-year-olds anymore.
  3. Let’s be real — boobs don’t need bras to be fantastic. No, seriously. Boobs are great. You know it, I know it, men know it. They’re just really freaking nice — and you know what? They don’t get less nice because I let them fly free. My boobs don’t have to be the size and shape of a martini glass duck taped to my chest to be seriously hot. All boobs are hot. The reason the law makes women wear shirts is because if we walked around with our boobs out, men are afraid they’d crash their cars or something. I mean, total patriarchal BS, but let’s face it — boobs have power.
  4. Bras are just uncomfortable. It’s wire sewn into foam pads, stretched around my chest like a sausage casing — of course it’s going to be uncomfortable. Now, don’t get me wrong, they’re miles better than the corsets they replaced. But seriously, that’s what bras are: replacement corsets. Isn’t it kind of screwed up that in this day and age, we’re still shaping our bodies to make ourselves socially acceptable?
  5. I hate running. Look, I’m packing decent sized milk duds — not huge like some of you ladies are blessed with, but enough to know that running without a bra hurts. If you’re running around all day or generally doing bouncy things, then a bra can be a girl’s best friend, but I hate running and the only bouncing I’m going to be doing is a brief obligatory squeal when my BFF shows me a picture of her new cat, so I think I’ll forget the bra and let myself breathe.
  6. WTF is up with bra straps?! Am I the only one with this problem or will those stupid straps never stay up? And it’s always when I’m trying to make a good impression, like when I’m talking to my boss and I can feel them inching down my arm. Do I fix it and call attention to it or do I let it be and just worry about it until my boss stops talking? Seriously, those things are evil.
  7. Nobody else cares. When was the last time you were talking to a girl and you suddenly thought, “OMG! She’s not wearing a bra! What a bitch!” Let me guess — never, right? That’s because women don’t care if other women don’t wear bras. Men care, but they’re going to be staring at my chest anyway, so I might as well be comfortable while being objectified.
  8. Why oh why do they never fit right? I’ve tried everything. I’ve measured myself, I’ve gone to a professional, I’ve tried on bras before I bought and I’ve bought ones off the Internet. I’ve done everything short of hand stitching my own lingerie, but they never fit right. Never. There’s always a gap between my boob and the cup, the band is too tight or my boobs pop out… and on and on. They seem to be designing these things for life-sized Barbie dolls and I’m sick of it.
  9. There are alternatives. And pretty great ones. People are re-discovering the bralette in super cute colors and designs. Silicone pasties are amazing if I just want to keep those nips hidden. There’s boob tape to keep me perky without the underwire. Bandeaus look great peaking out under a loose tank. And there’s always the old classic of just not wearing a bra of any kind. I need to give my boobs a vacation — they’re worth it.
  10. Men don’t have to wear cups to hide their hard-ons. Think about it. Bras are BS.
I am a freaky geeky girl, living it up in the big city. I enjoy walking down the street in outfits that make little kids point and laugh (w/e pillbox hats never go out of style). I'm a psych student at an ivy league college which means I totally know why you do that weird thing all the time for no good reason. In my spare time I like to walk dogs, sew feminist cross stitch samplers, and eat nutella with a spoon.
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