As all my friends start tying the knot and and popping out miniature versions of themselves, I’m bombarded with babies on social media and in real life when my friends bring them my way. Don’t get me wrong, babies are adorable and all, but spending time with little ones has made me realize that while I’ll always appreciate a cute nugget, I definitely don’t want a kid right now — and that’s okay. Any reason you have for starting a family now or holding off a while longer is completely fine, but here are some arguments for the latter.
- Taking care of yourself is hard enough. While I’m better at eating kale and mixing all kinds of alcohol than I was during my college days, I still consistently forget my keys and can’t always manage to stay hydrated. It’s unclear how I could possibly keep a child not only hydrated on hot days, but full of food when my refrigerator is sadly barren.
- They take over your entire house. If you have a friend with a tiny adult visiting, know that their child will expect the fully stocked home they’re used to. That means that your teeny tiny city apartment doesn’t have enough room for them, as little as they are. Even if they’re small enough to fit into your equally tiny closet space. they still need a yard to run around in and your little garbage courtyard just isn’t going to cut it.
- You need to stock your fridge with more than alcohol. The only item I’m guaranteed to have at any given moment is vodka. Babies, for some reason, just aren’t into it the way I am. You probably gave up macaroni and cheese when you graduated college, but you need at least a pound and a half of it ready at all times if there’s a kid in your life.
- They hate bathing more than you do. If it takes you hours of lying around naked to work up the energy for a short shower, and then hours in your bed preparing to put your pajamas on post-shower, imagine how long it takes babies. They need bubbles, toys, and endless activities, and you’re just trying to get to bed.
- It’s up to you to successfully shape a human being from scratch. When my friend’s baby started pulling my hair, I told him, “Stop, I only let big boys do that.” That is probably not an appropriate thing to tell anyone, let alone someone who looks up to you. Know that if you ever so much as think of cursing, they will spend the next 24 hours repeating it. Loudly. You never know how much you sound like a sailor until a child comes into your life to remind you.
- You’re not ready to give up control of the TV. You know how you love going on never-ending Netflix binges and that time you managed to watch all of Shameless in a single week? Once you have a kid around, if you even think about watching anything other than Bella and the Bulldogs, there will be tears. First from the child, and then from you when you realize you can’t stand a single second more of Nickelodeon.
- Babies are basically little versions of the drunk adults you hate. If you have that one friend who can’t manage to keep it together on a night out and she drives you crazy, you probably shouldn’t have a baby. You know how she’s always losing her purse and shoes, a la blotto Cinderella? That’s what kids do, only it’s their expensive tablets and their favorite stuffed animal, and you’re the one responsible for all of it, obviously.
- It’s like living with a boy. Babies are basically demon spawn in adorable packaging. Do not let their pinchable cheeks and big eyes fool you. Having a baby in your midst is like being the assistant to a tiny celebrity whose demands must be met immediately. It’s like monitoring your drunk not-boyfriend when he goes rogue, and realizing you have absolutely no control over him. I was told, “DON’T LOOK ME IN THE EYES!” at least a dozen times by my friend’s kid. There was garbage tossed at me while I drove, he tried to drink my cocktail when he thought I wasn’t looking, and there is urine on my carpet. Not fun.
- Your twenties are the perfect opportunity to be entirely selfish. If you’ve got a Netflix subscription, there are tons of TV shows about how awful people are in their twenties. You have a decade that you can devote to yourself – you can be way too lazy, watch far too much TV, and spend a ridiculous amount of money on overpriced coffee drinks. It doesn’t matter, because you have the next couple of decades to be an actual responsible human being. Why not take advantage of the years you have left for nonstop partying?
- It’s way too much responsibility. I can barely remember to Venmo my friends back for drinks, and people I know are having babies on purpose. If you’re really craving someone to love you and rely on you, there’s always a puppy.
