Is your child reluctant to handle certain issues? If so, you may have caused that by projecting your childhood insecurities onto them. Dr. Samantha Rodman, a clinical psychologist, notes that parental projection can cause children to develop a victim mindset. With that mindset, children may fear tackling problems that arise. If you’re unsure how you may be projecting your childhood insecurities onto your kids, here are some signs to watch out for.
1. You Set High Expectations for Your Kids
Maybe you grew up getting D’s and you feel like a failure. As a result, you push your child to get straight-A’s. That’s an unrealistic standard to expect—rather than expect the child to get an A, why not motivate them to do their best and be there for them when they slip up? Lowering your unrealistic expectations is the way to go.
2. You’re Overprotective
Being overprotective is one way of driving your kids away from you. That doesn’t mean you should neglect protecting them. For instance, telling your child to ride their bike on certain safe routes is okay. However, you shouldn’t tell them to avoid biking completely just because you had an accident as a kid.
3. You Compare Your Child To Others
Some parents encourage their children to do better by using other children as examples. A statement you may have heard growing up is, “Why can’t you take your studies seriously like your sister?” While comparison is thought to motivate children, it actually has the opposite effect. India Times reports that comparison can affect your child’s self-esteem, making them develop mental health issues in the long run. Therefore, you should motivate your child to do better while acknowledging and celebrating their differences from their peers.
4. You’re Extremely Generous With Your Kids
It’s the role of parents to provide for their children. Unfortunately, some parents excessively shower their kids with gifts (you would think every day was Christmas!). They do it so that their kids don’t have to experience the negative effects of poverty like they did as children. These parents fail to understand that spoiling their kids too much may lead to self-entitlement and lack of discipline. When providing, stick with the basics (food and clothing) and reserve gifts for special occasions (birthdays and graduations).
5. You Don’t Respect Their Boundaries
As a child, it was normal for your parents to check your email whenever they wanted to. After all, they bought you that computer. After becoming a parent, you decided to do exactly what your parents did. Unfortunately, failing to respect your kids’ boundaries may breed mistrust, inhibit problem-solving skills, and erode autonomy. If you must check your child’s computer (or phone), only do it when absolutely necessary and always get their consent.
6. You Seek Constant Reassurance from Them
Some kids grew up with parents who constantly told them they were failures. Such kids become extremely cautious about any undertaking because they don’t want to fail again. Those same people grow into parents who seek reassurance from their own kids. You can be found asking things like, “Did I do this thing the right way or not?”—while it’s understandable you’re the one who needs to do the reassuring in the parent-child relationship, not the other way around.
7. You’re Too Hard on Your Child’s Physical Appearance
If you were overweight as a child, you probably heard unpleasant nicknames from bullies. As a result, you grew up thinking that being fat is morally wrong. As a parent, it’s natural for you to want to criticize your child for their weight out of fear of them being ridiculed rather than encourage them to achieve goals outside of their appearance. Remember: a parent’s responsibility is to be empathetic about their child and not place all their value on what they look like.
8. You Dismiss Your Child’s Emotions
Some kids grew up hearing—from their parents and society at large—that they shouldn’t cry. If you dared shed a tear, you would be labeled as “weak.” Unfortunately, that’s how these kids grow up to become parents who mock or disapprove of their children showing emotions. By not allowing space for your child to express themselves, you’re stunting their emotional growth.
9. You’re Emotionally Dependent on Your Children
Some parents open up to their kids when they can’t find a friend or relative to vent to. Sure, venting to your kids may seem like a good way of strengthening your relationship, but it’s counterproductive. Overburdening kids with emotional dependency causes them to take up roles that aren’t theirs (your parent, therapist, best friend, etc.). Try speaking to someone else, it’s not your kids’ job to bear your emotional load.
10. You React to Your Kids in an Overly Emotional Way
There are insecurities you faced as a child that still haunt you in adulthood. Sometimes, kids may unknowingly trigger you by asking a question related to your childhood insecurity. No matter how triggering the question may be, it’s important to remain calm as you answer. If your first instance is to lash out at them, then you may need to address your insecurities with a trusted person. Besides, if you continually get angered by your child’s questions, they may start to keep things from you.
11. You Live Vicariously Through Your Child
Some parents think kids are there to fulfill dreams they failed to achieve. The problem is that when the kids meet their parent’s expectations, the parent begins to take credit for their success. They fail to realize that kids are distinct individuals despite being related to them. Rather than relying on kids to fulfill your dreams, it would be best to achieve them yourself.
12. You Keep Reliving Your Past
It’s normal to share experiences from your childhood to warn your child of certain dangers. However, some parents tend to project their anxieties to their kids by only talking about the bad stuff. If your child wants a lollipop, you may start talking about the time you injured your teeth while sucking it. Or if your child wants a toy, you may talk about the time you choked on its small parts. Therefore, it would help to find a healthy balance between discussing the dangers and positives when referencing your childhood.
13. You Withdraw Emotionally From Your Kid
Some parents are emotionally withdrawn from their kids because their parents were the same way. Unfortunately, this creates a pattern of emotional withdrawal in subsequent generations. Children raised by emotionally withdrawn parents during the development stage of growth tend to withdraw in their teenage years. Such kids struggle to be emotionally expressive with others, and it can take years to unlearn.
14. You Practice Conditional Love
Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what. For instance, you can’t neglect your parental duties (like providing food) because your child failed to qualify to study medicine at Yale University. Additionally, you can’t love your child less because they have undesirable behaviors. Therefore, parents who practice conditional love project their own feelings of worthiness onto their kids.
15. You Engage in Emotional Fusion With Your Kid
When you’re emotionally fused with your kid, it can result in a lack of individuality. That’s because the child will always express their emotions based on how their parent reacts. Maybe your parent introduced a culture at your home where everyone needed to be emotionally close to each other. As understanding as they were, you can break the cycle by encouraging your kids to express their emotions independently of you. It’s okay for parents and kids to respond differently to events.
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