Healthy relationships involve support and interdependence, but there’s a line where it can become unhealthy codependency. If you’re worried your relationship might be heading that way, it’s important to be honest with yourself. These red flags are a starting point for reflection and can help you start creating a more balanced dynamic.
1. Your sense of self-worth depends entirely on your partner.
Codependent relationships often involve one person basing their identity and self-esteem on their partner’s validation. You might feel incomplete or worthless without their constant approval and attention. A healthy relationship should boost your self-confidence, not make you feel like you can’t function without them.
2. You abandon your own hobbies and interests to match your partner’s.
It’s great to try new things as a couple, but if you gradually give up your own passions, friends, or activities solely to appease your partner, it’s a sign you’re losing your sense of self, per Psychology Today. Healthy relationships allow for individual interests as well as shared ones.
3. Your emotions are completely tied to theirs.
Their bad day instantly ruins your mood, their happiness makes you elated, and their stress becomes your own. While empathy is important, in codependency, you become emotionally enmeshed, losing the ability to separate your own emotions from theirs.
4. You feel responsible for their happiness.
You might constantly bend over backwards to keep them happy or try to fix their problems, even at your own expense. This stems from the belief that it’s your job to keep them from experiencing any negative emotions. But in reality, everyone is responsible for their own emotional well-being, not yours.
5. You can’t tolerate being alone and feel anxious or incomplete without them.
Codependency often comes with a fear of abandonment. The thought of spending time alone, even for healthy reasons, fills you with dread. You might cling to your partner, demanding constant togetherness to feel secure.
6. You’ve lost touch with your own needs and desires.
When you’re overly focused on your partner, it’s easy to ignore your own needs. You might not even know what you want anymore because you’ve been so focused on anticipating their needs before they even express them.
7. You have difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
Codependent people often struggle to say “no”, enforce limits, or prioritize their own well-being, for fear of upsetting their partner. This leads to resentment building up, as they don’t feel their own needs are being met.
8. Your main goal is to “fix” or change your partner.
You might find yourself preoccupied with their flaws and believe if you just try hard enough, you can change them into your ideal person. This stems from low self-esteem – trying to “fix” others is a way to avoid facing your own insecurities or making needed changes in your own life.
9. You neglect your other relationships due to your fixation on your partner.
Codependency can lead to isolation. You might gradually withdraw from friends and family, focusing exclusively on your partner. Healthy relationships don’t require you to abandon other important connections in your life.
10. You have trouble communicating your needs or expressing your true feelings.
You might fear conflict or rocking the boat, so you swallow your own needs and avoid expressing any negative feelings that could potentially upset your partner. Resentment builds in this scenario, leading to unhealthy communication patterns in the long run.
11. You make excuses for their unhealthy or harmful behavior.
Codependent people often minimize their partner’s bad behavior, blaming it on stress, a rough childhood, or simply turning a blind eye to red flags. This enables unhealthy habits and prevents the person from getting help they might genuinely need.
12. You experience extreme jealousy or possessiveness.
It’s normal to feel the occasional twinge of jealousy, but in codependent relationships, it can manifest as excessive fear of your partner finding someone “better”. You might try to control their friendships, monitor their whereabouts, or become easily suspicious.
13. You’re constantly worried about the relationship and what your partner is thinking.
Codependency breeds insecurity, PsychCentral warns. You might overanalyze their every word and action, seeking reassurance, or always fear they’re going to leave you. This constant anxiety makes it difficult to relax and enjoy the relationship.
14. You feel drained and emotionally exhausted by the relationship.
Codependent relationships are often one-sided, with one person taking the role of “rescuer”. This leaves them feeling depleted, resentful, and emotionally drained. A healthy relationship should leave you feeling energized and supported, not exhausted.
15. You feel manipulated or controlled by your partner.
They might use guilt trips, emotional blackmail, or threats of abandonment to get you to do what they want. You end up giving in to their demands out of fear of the consequences if you don’t, even if it goes against your own values and needs.
16. There’s a pattern of enabling unhealthy behaviors.
You might cover for them, bail them out of the consequences of their actions (financial troubles, substance abuse, etc.), and clean up their messes. While it seems helpful, this enables them to continue those behaviors, preventing the natural consequences that could help them seek change.
17. You’ve lost your sense of self and don’t know who you are anymore
Codependency involves enmeshing your identity so much with your partner’s, you don’t have a strong sense of self outside the relationship. You might struggle defining your own opinions, goals, or desires, as you’ve been focused on merging with your partner rather than fostering your individuality.
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