Anyone who has kids knows that raising them is far from an exact science. There are a million books and experts, but each kid is unique, and a lot of parenting is figuring things out as you go. So, amidst all the advice, there are ideas that get repeated a lot that, well… let’s just say the reality often turns out quite differently!
1. You need to be a “perfect” parent to raise good kids.
Nope! Kids need parents who are loving, present, and model trying to do the right thing. You’re going to mess up — a lot. It’s inevitable. Apologize, learn, do better next time. This teaches them way more than unattainable perfection ever could. Plus, showing kids that everyone makes mistakes, even adults, gives them a healthy dose of self-compassion for their own stumbles as they grow. As Healthline notes, there’s really no such thing as a perfect parent.
2. All kids develop at the same pace.
Those milestone charts are stressful! Some kids walk early, others focus on talking first. As long as your pediatrician isn’t worried, relax. Comparing your child to others robs them of their unique timeline, and honestly robs you of joy in the present. Remember, it’s not a race! Each child’s path is beautiful, even if it doesn’t match the standard growth chart perfectly.
3. You’ll instinctively know how to handle every parenting challenge.
Ha! If only! Whether it’s tantrums in the supermarket, power struggles over bedtime, or navigating the sudden attitude of a preteen, sometimes you’ll feel completely clueless. That’s okay! Seek advice from trusted friends, read up, find what works for your family. There’s no shame in admitting you don’t have all the answers, and actively seeking solutions shows your child the importance of continuous learning.
4. Kids should always obey you without question.
Demanding unquestioning obedience creates sneaky kids, not respectful ones. It’s okay to explain your reasoning sometimes, i.e., “We leave the park now so you have energy for bath time.” It teaches them critical thinking and that their voice matters, even when your decision remains firm. Also, blind obedience makes them vulnerable to following less well-meaning people later in life. It’s far better to encourage a spirit of healthy questioning!
5. Your happiness now depends on them turning out “right.”
Oof, this is a heavy burden for kids and a recipe for parental anxiety! Your job is to provide a loving foundation, teach values, and offer opportunities. Their choices are ultimately theirs. Find your own fulfillment outside of their future achievements. This models a healthy, balanced life and prevents you from becoming overly invested in outcomes that are, quite frankly, beyond your control.
6. Disciplining your kids means you’re a bad parent.
Wrong! Discipline is about guidance, not punishment. Setting boundaries and providing natural consequences teach them to make better choices. Kids who never experience any limits struggle to navigate the world because they’ve never learned self-regulation. Think of discipline as a form of love that helps shape them into capable, kind humans.
7. You should always put your kids’ needs before your own.
Nope, this leads to burnout and resentment. As Psychology Today points out, happy parents = happier kids. Prioritizing your own basic needs for sleep, occasional self-care, and fun outside of parenting makes you a better, more present parent in the long run. Kids learn healthy habits by watching you! Showing them that taking care of yourself is important teaches the value of self-respect and prioritizing well-being.
8. Good parents never yell.
We’re all human. Sometimes, you’re gonna lose your cool. It’s what you do after the yelling that matters more. Apologizing sincerely, explaining why you were upset (without blaming them)… this shows that even when you mess up, love conquers all. Plus, it lets them know that everyone loses their temper sometimes, and what really counts is how you handle it afterward.
9. Every kid responds the same way to rewards and punishments.
Some kids are super motivated by a sticker chart, others not so much. Some are deeply affected by even mild disapproval, others shrug it off. It takes time to figure out what truly motivates your child to make better choices. It’s also not a static thing! What worked wonders when they were little might need adjusting as they get older.
10. Spoiling your kids means giving them lots of toys and stuff.
Real spoiling is about entitlement. It’s saying “yes” too easily, not teaching delayed gratification, or shielding them from ever experiencing discomfort or disappointment. This actually makes them less happy long-term, and harder to be around! Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give your child is the experience of not getting what they want immediately and having to work towards it or problem-solve independently.
11. If your kid acts out, it’s because you’re doing something wrong.
Sometimes, kids push boundaries because… well, they’re kids! It’s how they learn what’s acceptable and what’s not. Obviously, major behavior issues might need deeper investigation, but the occasional tantrum isn’t always a sign of deep-seated parental failure. Kids are complex individuals influenced by more than just our parenting – their personality, what happened at school that day, even if they’re getting enough sleep can all impact their behavior.
12. You have to agree on every single parenting decision with your co-parent.
Unity is important, but you won’t agree 100% of the time. Compromise and finding a middle ground is healthy. It’s more important to present a team to the kids, even if you hashed things out privately beforehand. And hey, sometimes “good cop/bad cop” works when you’re both at your wit’s end. What matters most is consistency on the big things, and respect between parents even when you disagree on the smaller details.
13. Once they’re teens, your main job as a parent is done.
Actually, teens need guidance as much as toddlers, just in different ways, The Ferentz Institute explains. Staying involved, offering support without smothering, letting them have more freedom but still setting limits — it’s a whole new parenting adventure! Teenagers are figuring out who they are, their brains are still developing, and they crave connection even if they sometimes express it in prickly ways. Don’t step back, step in with adjusted expectations.
14. If your kid gets in trouble at school, it reflects badly on you.
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Sometimes, yes, it’s a wake-up call to address something at home. But kids also make their own choices, good and bad. Partnering with teachers to solve the problem is way more productive than feeling personally ashamed of their every misdeed. It’s important for kids to face the consequences of their own actions. Trying to shield them from this teaches them nothing!
15. Strict parents raise kids who are more successful.
Not necessarily! Authoritarian parenting (rigid rules without much warmth) can lead to sneaky, resentful kids, or kids who crumble under pressure. Kids raised with a balance of high expectations AND high emotional support do better overall. They feel secure enough to take healthy risks and know you’ll have their back even when they fail, making them more likely to strive for success on their own terms.
16. You should never let your kids see you stressed or upset.
Hiding all your struggles teaches them that negative emotions are shameful. It’s okay to say, “Mommy’s having a hard day, I need a few minutes.” This models healthy coping and builds their emotional vocabulary. Plus, pretending otherwise fosters this unrealistic expectation that life should always be easy, setting them up for disappointment later.
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