15 Twisted Things Narcissists Do When You Set Boundaries With Them

Narcissists thrive on control and manipulation, so when you set a boundary with them, they will react dramatically. The narcissist’s fragile ego is unable to accept boundaries because it challenges their sense of superiority. Knowing the most common ways narcissists react can help you establish better boundaries and not let narcissists take control. Here are 15 of the most twisted ways narcissists react to boundaries. 

1. Expect a lot of anger.

The narcissist will become angry when they realize you’ve set a boundary. When a narcissist is angry, their rage can be scary because it is so spiteful. In addition to remaining calm, you should remove yourself from any confrontational situation with the narcissist. Also, it’s a good idea to seek out support from friends, families, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) support groups, who can also help you assert your boundaries. 

2. They will gaslight you.

The 1944 film Gaslight is the origin of the term “gaslighting.” The movie’s plot centers on a woman whose husband constantly tells her she is remembering things incorrectly or overreacting, leading her to question her own reality. In real life, narcissists may repeatedly tell you that you’re overreacting and not remembering things correctly to convince you to break down your boundaries. Don’t fall for it because your feelings are valid.

3. Prepare for Love Bombing.

If anger and gaslighting don’t work on you, they may try the love bombing tactic. Love bombing is an emotionally abusive tactic that narcissists use to control their targets, particularly romantic partners. Perhaps they’ll send you gifts or offer to take you to your favorite places. By flattering you, they’ll try to reassert their control over you. Once they’ve done that, they’ll revert to their old behavior.

4. They’ll guilt trip you.

If the love bombing tactic fails, prepare for the guilt-tripping. This passive-aggressive behavior can include all kinds of nonsense, like telling you that you owe them something or bringing up past mistakes. They may even tell you that you’re a bad person. It is important to refuse to engage in these arguments by setting limits. You don’t owe them anything and don’t need to explain yourself further.

5. Expect the silent treatment

If gaslighting and guilt-tripping fail, the narcissist may use the silent treatment as a way to control and punish you for setting boundaries. They’ll give you the cold shoulder for days, weeks, or even months. While this can sometimes be a relief, the silent treatment is an emotionally abusive tactic that they hope will make you beg for forgiveness to get back into their good graces. 

 6. Prepare for the smear campaign.

When they are unable to break you down themselves, the narcissist may start spreading rumors and gossip about you. Getting through this won’t be easy, but do not engage. Whey they go low, you go high. If you need help not reacting to this method of control, consider seeking advice from a therapist. 

7. They’ll act like the victim.

In their mind, the narcissist is the victim of your boundary. They will go to great lengths to convince anyone of this. Narcissists often play the victim because of their sense of entitlement, which is why you had to set a boundary to begin with. They’ll try to convince you and others that setting a boundary is unfair after everything they’ve done for you. Don’t fall for it. 

8.  They’ll have a crisis.

Related to their sense of victimhood, the narcissist often creates dramatic situations to get attention, like threatening to self-harm or faking a medical crisis. They do this to pull you back into their orbit and will try to portray you as cruel if you don’t respond. The narcissist knows that by faking an illness people will run to their aid and forget all about any past wrongs. Whether the crisis is real or not, you do not have to re-engage with the narcissist. Not responding does not mean you are a cruel person. Keep your boundaries strong.

9. The narcissist may stalk you on social media.

Unable to control you in real life, they’ll follow you on social media to keep tabs on you. If you find yourself being stalked or trolled by a narcissist, do not engage with them online. Narcissists always need an audience, so if you ignore this behavior, you starve them of the attention you’re so desperately seeking.

10. Expect them to bring in the Flying Monkeys.

Just like the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz, narcissists will bring in their flying monkeys (aka minions) to sabotage you. The narcissist has an amazing ability to spot people pleasers and those with poor boundaries who may unwittingly become their followers. The problem with that is these flying monkeys will do the narcissist’s bidding—whether it’s spreading lies and gossip or passing on information from the narcissist to you. It’s best to avoid confrontation and stay firm in your boundaries. 

11. They’ll blame you for their bad behavior.

No matter how badly they have behaved, it is never the narcissist’s fault. Victim-blaming allows the narcissist to shift the accountability away from them, thereby protecting their fragile egos. Expect to hear things like, “You made me do this” or “If you had done this, I wouldn’t have done that.” Do not allow them to flip the narrative and blame you. 

12. Prepare for the empty promises.

Narcissists may make empty promises to get back into your good graces. They will promise you the moon if they have to to get your attention. Sometimes called “future faking,” they promise to take you on that vacation you’ve always wanted to go on or even do something as simple as calling you when they said they would. It’s all part of the overarching scheme of manipulation. 

13. They will project their behavior back onto you.

Another variation of blame shifting is projection. A narcissist will often react to boundary setting by accusing you of their own bad behavior. For instance, they will accuse you of lying when they constantly lie or accuse you of prioritizing your friends over them when they put everyone over you. In this way, they are not only able to inflate their fragile ego, but they also get to manipulate you emotionally. 

14. They’ll create a triangle of diversion.

Threatened narcissists will often bring in a third party, such as a friend, lover, co-worker, or family member, to make you feel uncertain and insecure. Often, they use this person to validate their point of view and create chaos in your relationship while also sending the message that you’re overreacting. Having friends and family outside of this triangle can help you see things clearly and validate your boundaries and emotions. 

15. They’ll call you names.

If everything else fails, prepare for the name-calling. Using vulgar or insulting names is another way that narcissists try to control the narrative. If they call you “paranoid” or “damaged” enough times, you might start to believe them. Additionally, they often use name-calling to influence other people’s opinions of you. 

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