Dealing with abandonment issues is exhausting whether you’re one with the problem or in a relationship with someone with a fear of abandonment. Left unchecked, abandonment issues can cause a world of hurt and pain and have damaging effects on relationships. But this doesn’t have to be the destined outcome, you can work on addressing the red flags and moving to a more secure emotional mind state by identifying the problematic behaviors that accompany a fear of abandonment. To that end, watch out for these common and toxic things that people with abandonment issues do in romantic and platonic relationships.
1. Interpreting every action through the lens of suspicion.
People with abandonment issues tend to be on high alert for signs that the relationship is changing, which they see as indicators of incoming rejection. Harmless things like spending time with your friends, postponing dinner plans, or having an innocent conversation with a pretty stranger will be interpreted as pulling away or betrayal.
2. Sacrificing their needs to please their partner.
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The trauma of rejection weighs so heavily on them that they’d do almost anything to keep a relationship alive. They’d give up their dreams, abandon personal boundaries, and relegate their needs and well-being to the background to keep their partners happy. They think that if they don’t agree to everything their partner or friend wants, they’ll leave them and find someone else to fulfill their desires.
3. Looking for flaws they can use to justify their beliefs.
Instead of appreciating the positive aspects of the relationship or the other person, people with abandonment issues may focus on hunting for and magnifying the negatives. They’ll keep a running list of all the little imperfections so that if the relationship ends, they can get some consolation by reminding themselves of how it wasn’t right for them in the first place.
4. Acting aggressively when they feel threatened.
People with abandonment issues carry a lot of intense, unresolved emotions and trauma stemming from events in their past. When they feel like history is repeating itself, they may find it difficult to regulate and manage emotions and instead react violently. They can verbally or physically attack loved ones, themselves, or even inanimate objects in a fit of rage in an attempt to regain control.
5. Keeping an emotional distance.
Even when they find themselves in uplifting, reassuring, and positive relationships, the fear of abandonment can still compel them to avoid letting down their guard. Being vulnerable and forming emotional connections comes with the possibility of getting hurt and that’s too great a risk for them to take. They’d rather stay detached and stop people from getting close to them emotionally.
6. Excessive jealousy and possessiveness.
This is a byproduct of thinking they’re not worthy of love and not trusting that their partner truly wants to be with them and isn’t scheming to leave. As a result, they start seeing other people as a potential threat to the relationship. They’ll try to maintain a stronger grip on the relationship by calling their partner constantly, driving by their workplace multiple times to see what they’re up to, or lashing out when they glance at someone else for longer than a second.
7. Sabotaging the relationship.
Sometimes, people with abandonment issues will actively do things to ruin the relationship because it gives them a sense of control over the outcome. In their minds, doing the abandoning allows them to avoid the pain of being the ones who are abandoned. So they’ll start fights, pull away, cheat, and engage in negative behaviors so you have a good reason to leave them that they can point to and understand.
8. Avoiding responsibility or taking on too much.
Sometimes, in a bid to earn or sustain their partner’s love, people with a fear of abandonment will over-extend themselves by assuming most or all of the responsibilities in the relationship. They’ll be the ones planning all the dates, giving all the gifts, handling house chores, and more. Other times, they may go the opposite route and refuse to be accountable for anything in the relationship. Nothing that goes wrong will ever be their fault because they think admitting flaws or mistakes will make their partner realize they’re not all that and leave.
9. Emotionally abandoning the relationship at the first signs of trouble.
People who are terrified of being abandoned or rejected are skilled at pulling disappearing acts whenever they sense the relationship is getting serious or experiencing minor challenges. Instead of treating disagreements or attempts at building intimacy as a chance to further the relationship, they see it as a reason to leave. They’ll check out and start creating conflicts to force you to end things.
10. Being overly clingy.
It’s normal to miss your partner when they’re not there or need reassurance that they’re still crazy about you. However, the clinginess of people with abandonment issues is on steroids. They want to know where their partner is and what they’re doing at all times. They throw a fit when you want to meet your friends or spend time away from them. They want your attention all the time and continuously need proof that you love them and won’t leave them.
11. Getting attached and moving forward too quickly.
Feelings of insecurity coupled with an anxious attachment style often result in people forming emotional connections too quickly. They meet someone new and by evening they can’t imagine their lives without them; they’re declaring their love two days later, and trying to initiate big commitments too soon. They overshare intimate details about their lives and try too hard to nurture deeper bonds even though they barely know you.
12. Lashing out when they get criticized.
If you bring up a behavior of theirs that could use some work, it means you’re judging them and you’re unhappy with the relationship or just looking for an excuse to leave. They get super defensive and launch an offensive attack when that doesn’t work. They overreact, bring on the silent treatment, and come up with creative ways to punish you or create emotionally charged situations that force you to comfort them.
13. Trying to curtail their partner’s freedoms to control them.
Rather than trusting that you can set and enforce your boundaries and make good choices, a person with a fear of abandonment will attempt to control your life and force you to live by their standards. They’re insecure about your relationship with other people so they make you limit your interaction with those people to prove you love them. They micromanage how long you use your phone, when you can go out, who you text, and whose posts you can like or comment on. They’re not shy about using emotional blackmail and other manipulative tactics to get their way.
14. Search for hidden meaning in everything.
So you failed to kiss them before leaving for work that day? That can’t mean you have a lot on your mind or that you were running late and forgot. There has to be something deeper going on like maybe you’re having an affair or the relationship is over but you’re not ready to admit it. To them, trivial acts, little jokes, and harmless remarks are clues to a puzzle that need to be unraveled and analyzed at length.
15. Refusal to commit in any meaningful way
Interestingly, even though they get attached too quickly, a person with abandonment issues may have a high resistance to commitment. They’ll make excuses and avoid taking actions that could imply that they’re fully invested in the relationship like talking about the future, becoming exclusive, meeting a partner’s friends or family, and moving in together.
16. Looking for love? Think it into existence.
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