Some people will pretend to be your friend or want a relationship with you when they’re really just keen to use you for their own gain. Hello, secret agenda! It sucks, but even worse, you might find yourself getting used for a while before you realize what they’re doing. It’s sneaky! But don’t worry. You can start protecting yourself by checking out this list of 15 clear signs that someone is taking advantage of you.
1. They show up when they need something.
If someone’s not consistently working on a relationship with you, but only appearing to make an effort when they’re down and out, that’s a red flag. Maybe they visit you out of the blue to “catch up” at the end of the month, conveniently just before they need to pay their bills (which you’ll be funding). Or, they call you to see how you’re doing, even though you haven’t heard from them in weeks, and then launch into asking you for a favor. Whenever they make a bit of effort to get close to you, it’s always followed by them needing something.
2. They have spontaneous requests.
To increase the chances of getting what they want, the person who’s using you might avoid asking you for favors ahead of time. Instead, they’ll ask you at the last minute to put you on the spot and force you to say “yes” to their desperate request. This shows a lack of consideration for your time and priorities. They only care about what’s convenient for them.
3. They’re nicer to you when they need something.
This one makes you feel sick, but it happens regularly with a user: They’ll suddenly be a lot kinder to you when they need you to do them a favor. For example, they might be more affectionate or complimentary as a way of manipulating you so that you’re sugared up to want to help them. Don’t be surprised if they’re a tad colder once they get what they want—users are selfish and only care about what they need at the moment.
4. They expect you to do things for them.
Someone who’s in the habit of using you might start to feel entitled to your help and walk all over you. For example, they might expect that you’ll pay for their dinner and drinks because you know their funds are low. Or, they’ll help themselves to money from your wallet because you’re always ready to hand it over. It’s clear that they’re taking you for granted.
5. They don’t offer you help.
When you’re going through a difficult time or you need a favor, your friend or partner totally disappears! How convenient. Even though you’ve helped them millions of times before, they’re never around when you’re the one who could do with a bit of support. This shows you just how one-sided the relationship with them is because your needs are never considered.
6. They don’t ask you if they can talk before they call.
Someone who’s using you tends to break your boundaries by expecting that you’ll be there for them 24-7, even though you have your own life. Maybe they want to vent to you for hours about their problems without considering your needs. They might call you at inconvenient times, such as late at night or during the work day, without first checking if you’re available. It’s selfish.
7. They get angry when you can’t help them.
Try this with a friend you suspect of using you: The next time they ask you for something, tell them that you can’t help them or that you’re unavailable. See how they react. If someone’s taking advantage of you, they’ll become upset or react in anger to the boundaries you’re setting with them. They want what they want, without thinking about if it’s convenient for you.
8. They don’t show interest in your life.
Although they might say that they care about you, someone who’s using you is only interested in themselves. You can tell by how they don’t ask you questions or follow-up questions about your life. Instead, they’re quick to turn the attention back onto themselves and what they’re going through. They want your support, without giving you any in return.
9. They never thank you.
When you’ve raced across town to pick up their kids from school because they had a work meeting or you’ve picked up their dog from the kennel, they never seem to give you a meaningful “thank you.” This is another sign that they’re feeling entitled to your generosity. When someone doesn’t show gratitude for what you do for them, it’s a huge red flag that they don’t care about your feelings.
10. They take a big interest in you when they can gain from it.
Whenever a user shows interest in some aspect of your life, they might be sniffing out what they stand to gain from it, whether money or other resources. This is why it can be a red flag when a person who never expressed interest in hearing about your work suddenly seems keen to learn about your new promotion and salary. Or, when an acquaintance who has a start-up suddenly wants to hang out when they find out you’re a journalist.
11. They only organize last-minute outings.
Whether the person is your friend or partner, you can tell that they’re using you if they only plan hangouts around their availability and schedule. Instead of planning ahead of time for outings, they always call you up at the last minute. They might be keen to meet for dinner or drinks because no one else is around and they’re bored. It’s always about them!
12. They’re hot and cold with their communication.
One month, the person talks to you daily, and another they don’t make contact for days or weeks at a time. What gives? The inconsistency can leave you scratching your head in confusion. It could be a sign that they’re using you because they only reach out when it’s convenient for them. Or, they creep out of the woodwork when they need to ask you for a big favor.
13. They don’t work for the relationship.
It feels horrible to realize that you’re the only one in the friendship or relationship making a real effort to keep it going. Maybe you’re the one who always plans outings or texts them first, and they just seem to go with the flow. Perhaps you know in your gut that if you had to stop texting them, you’d never see them or get to have a real chat with them. Ouch. They’re coasting along, not really invested in the relationship, but keeping it open in case it serves their needs.
14. They brush away your feelings.
When you try to talk to the person about something you’re experiencing, they’re quick to brush off your feelings. They might tell you to stop worrying about a problem at work or provide quick solutions to it so they can move on to something else. A user doesn’t care about your feelings or issues. They want to stop talking about you and get back to their favorite topic: themselves!
15. They’re all talk.
Someone who’s using you isn’t going to live up to their promises, simply because they’re not invested in the relationship. They’ll tell you how much you mean to them (probably when they need you to pay for their groceries) and how much they want to be there for you, but they’re all talk. There’s never real action behind their words. The minute you have to reach out to them or depend on them, they’ll vanish into thin air.
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