It takes considerable effort to build a happy and fulfilling relationship. But sometimes, although they may go unnoticed, there are signs that you’re forcing a relationship or doing too much to make it work. If you recognize these signs, it may be time to bring up your concerns with your partner and figure out a way to even things out and lessen the load. If that’s not an option or nothing changes after taking that step, you may have to decide whether to shake hands and walk away or keep doubling down.
1. You avoid confrontation to keep the peace.
Learning to pick your battles is a component of every healthy relationship. But that doesn’t mean you should sweep big issues and matters that bug you under the carpet. If you find yourself constantly avoiding talking about issues with your partner because you’re afraid of what confrontation might do to the relationship, that doesn’t bode well. It means you’re doing too much and sacrificing your happiness to keep the relationship going.
2. You’re making all the effort.
It’s hard to remember the last time they texted you first, made date plans, or suggested a bonding activity. Even when you make plans to spend time together, they don’t seem very excited about the prospect. When arguments arise, you seem to be the only one trying to understand where the other is coming from and resolve issues amicably. You feel as though if you stopped doing all the work, the relationship would crumble.
3. You’re always compromising.
Relationships are about give and take so if you’re the only one constantly giving or having to make adjustments to make your partner happy, that’s not a healthy dynamic. If you’re always the one changing plans, doing what they want, or showing interest in their hobbies instead of advocating for your own needs and preferences, you’re doing more than you should to save the relationship.
4. You put their life ahead of yours.
Compromising about where to go to dinner or what to watch on movie night all the time is a bit problematic, but it gets much worse when you start to treat their life and happiness as more important than yours. Rather than both of you prioritizing each other’s needs, you do everything in your power to make them happy even to your detriment. You give up dreams, miss out on career opportunities, and disrupt your life in all kinds of ways for your partner’s benefit when they never do the same for you.
5. You’re afraid to check in with them or ask things of them.
When you aren’t forcing a relationship to work, you don’t overthink certain interactions because they’ll feel natural. So if you’re always worried about whether you should call, text, or invite them to a hangout with your friends because they might feel you’re stressing them out, it’s time to rethink the nature of your relationship.
6. You constantly have to pretend.
After you’ve been on a couple of dates, you should start to feel comfortable showing up as your true self when you’re around the person. Keeping your interests or other parts of yourself a secret out of fear that your partner wouldn’t approve or might break up with you means you’re trying too hard. Hiding from yourself because of your partner will drain so much of your energy if it hasn’t already.
7. You’re hoping your partner will change.
It’s almost impossible to get people to change who they are unless it’s their idea. If the bulk of your time and energy is spent devising or implementing strategies to make your partner give up habits you can’t stand, you’re trying too hard to make the union work. Rather than trying to convince them to change their minds about getting married, having kids, or pursuing a different kind of life, consider that they might not be the one for you.
8. Things feel forced.
Relationships indeed take work, but they aren’t supposed to feel that way, especially 24/7. Being around them, getting to know them, making plans for the weekend, having conversations about small and big things—all that should come naturally. It should feel easy and uncomplicated most of the time and not like reporting for duty at a job that you kind of hate. If you have to try so hard to be happy, maybe it’s not meant to be.
9. You feel drained and irritated all the time.
You’ll probably go through rough patches in your relationship that leave you feeling irritated or drained, but it shouldn’t feel that way most or all of the time. If your relationship is draining more often than not, it’s probably because you’re working too hard to fix it instead of letting it go. Similarly, when everything your partner does starts to annoy you and you find them more and more difficult to tolerate, that’s your subconscious sending you a message.
10. You’re changing yourself just to please them.
Are you changing the way you dress or look just to impress your partner? Are you giving up values that you truly believe in or doing things you’re not comfortable with to fit their idea of an ideal partner? This behavior is not only alarming, it indicates that you’re trying too hard to make things work. It’s fine to change or try new things if you desire, but not solely for someone else’s sake. Your partner should want, love, accept, and cherish you for who you are.
11. You have to rationalize their behavior all the time.
Always making excuses for your partner’s hurtful actions or bad behaviors to make them easier to live with is never a good sign. You shouldn’t feel a need to justify or rationalize the things they do to yourself or your loved ones. If you’re doing this, it’s probably because you’re not being treated fairly. Or because your partner isn’t living up to your expectations. Either way, it may be wise to reevaluate the value of the relationship.
12. You’re living in fear of an impending breakup.
In a relationship where love, safety, and communication are abundant, breaking up would be a distant and foreign concept, not a possibility hovering around the corner. Being constantly worried that the relationship is on the brink of collapse or changing how you interact with your partner to delay the ending is a strong indicator that you’re trying too hard.
13. You constantly feel stressed and anxious.
Your relationship should be a safe space; the place you come to let your hair down and bask in comfort and where you can share your feelings and problems and get support and understanding. Feeling like you’re suffocating or walking on eggshells around your partner suggests that things have gone wrong somewhere. You shouldn’t have to try so hard to stay sane or keep from stepping on your partner’s toes in a working relationship.
14. The arguments never seem to end.
There’s always something to fight about. It feels like that’s all you’ve been doing lately, yet problems rarely get resolved. You keep arguing about the same issues over and over. You can’t seem to find common ground, compromises, or understandings that last. If this is your situation, you may need to accept some uncomfortable truths about the relationship before exhaustion and resentment consume you.
15. You feel as though you’re always falling short.
You constantly have to explain or defend yourself to your partner. Being around them makes you feel inadequate and you’re constantly trying to compensate for that. It’s like your partner can’t see or appreciate the efforts you’re putting in to make them happy or help the relationship thrive. A good relationship makes you feel like the best version of yourself, not the opposite. So, if you’re always feeling like you’re not good enough, you’re trying too hard.
16. Fed up with feeling alone? Attract love by changing your mindset.
With our sister site Sweetn‘s simple quiz and mind tools, love is closer than you think. They’ll give you the tools and skills you need to transform the way you date and shift your energy to help you find lasting love. It only takes a few minutes to get started, so check it out here.
