Narcissists will always try to control you, so they hate the thought of loved ones taking you away from them (even if it’s just for an afternoon!). Their MO is to isolate you from everyone else so they can be the sole priority in life. It’s creepy! If you suspect your partner of doing this, here are 15 signs that confirm it.
1. They’re always putting down your friends and family.
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A narcissist will regularly criticize your loved ones to make you doubt if they’re as great as you think they are. They might say, “Your best friend is always lying to you” or “Your sister is so self-absorbed.” If you happen to vent about a fight you had with a close loved one, the narcissist will jump at the chance to put them down. They always take an opportunity to make you dislike them.
2. They sulk when you make plans with others.
The narcissist wants to control your every move and spend as much time with you as possible. No wonder they don’t like it if you want to hang out with your loved ones without them. You’ll notice how their mood drops when you suggest going for lunch with your besties or grabbing dinner with your family. They might get sulky or fall quiet, as a way to make you feel bad for your decision. Then, they might intensify their efforts to keep you at home by doing the next thing…
3. They guilt-trip you for choosing loved ones over them.
Narcissists are kings and queens of the guilt trip. They use it to manipulate you into doing what they want. So, if they want you to stay with them instead of spending time with loved ones, they’ll find a way to make you feel guilty about it so you cancel your plans. They might question your priorities, such as by saying, “Don’t you care about us?” Alternatively, they might make you feel bad for them, such as by saying, “I guess I’m not important to you.”
4. They come up with drama to dominate your attention.
Since a narcissist wants to keep you all to themselves, they might try to create chaos on the night when you want to go to your family or meet your mate for a drink, like a fake emergency they “need” your help with. Or, they’ll pick a fight with you so you don’t have the energy to leave the house. There’s always something they do to try to dominate your time.
5. They discredit your loved one’s achievements.
When you talk about your sister getting a work promotion or your dad winning a competition, you might notice your partner rolling their eyes or making a disparaging comment. They might say, “Oh, they’re choosing to waste their time on that?” or “I’m happy for them, but I wonder if they’re letting their success get to their head?” By doing this, they’re trying to get you to see your loved ones’ success negatively, tarnishing the idea you have of them.
6. They try to provoke arguments between you.
One of the sneakiest ways in which a narcissist will try to isolate you from your loved ones is by creating tension between you. For example, your partner might twist something your loved one said to you to make their comments appear negative. You might end up confronting your loved one without realizing that your partner’s lying to make you fight with them unnecessarily.
7. They compare you to your loved ones.
Another tactic used by the narcissist to cause a rift between you and your loved ones is to compare you to them. They might say, “Why can’t you be more spontaneous like your friend?” or “Your sister has such gorgeous hair—you should ask her for tips.” By doing this, they’re hoping to make you feel inferior to your loved ones, which could cause tension in your relationships.
8. They get jealous about your relationships.
A narcissist might express jealousy or envy when you say you want to spend time with your loved ones. They might say, “I’m feeling a tad jealous because I love you so much and miss you when you go out with them.” While you might think it’s sweet and romantic, it’s really that they’re trying to control and manipulate you. Their jealousy is a sign of possession, which you don’t need in your life.
9. They use isolating language.
A subtle way in which the narcissist you’re dating might try to keep you away from loved ones is by making you feel like you’re a team and no one else matters. So, they might say something like, “It’s you and me against everyone else” or “No one else understands us.” They work overtime to make it seem like the relationship should be your biggest priority, which can cause you to let other things and people fall by the wayside.
10. They become a nuisance when your loved ones are around.
By making your loved ones feel uncomfortable, the narcissist can keep them away from you. When your friends or family members visit you, the narcissist might try to stick around and invade your personal space to give them the hint that they should leave. They might drop in unannounced during private conversations or ask you for help with various things to keep interrupting your interactions.
11. They try to offer better support than your loved ones do.
The narcissist in your life wants to be your go-to person so you don’t rely on anyone else. They’ll go the extra mile to show support whenever you need something. For example, if your cousin offers to call you an Uber to work, your partner will offer to drive you there instead. Or, if your mom buys you a cake for your birthday, your partner will bake you one. It’s always a competition as they try to one-up everyone else in your life.
12. They’re more affectionate when your loved ones aren’t around.
To manipulate you, the narcissist might try to give you more praise and physical affection when you spend time with them instead of your loved ones. Then, when you speak to your loved ones or refuse to cancel plans with them, they might become silent or avoid you to punish you. This creates a dynamic where their affection becomes a reward for complying with their wishes.
13. They take you on one-on-one activities as much as possible.
To get you away from your loved ones, a narcissist might try to whisk you away on dates that only involve the two of you. They might surprise you with a hike on a day when they know you’ve been invited to a friend’s birthday. Or, they might go ahead and make vacation plans even though you’re supposed to be attending your nephew’s bar mitzvah. They’ll do this to try to force you to spend time with them instead of others.
14. They belittle you for having strong connections with others.
Sometimes, a narcissist will resort to criticizing you for choosing to interact with loved ones. They do this to shame you for wanting to have relationships with them. For example, if you’re close with your mom, they might say, “Why do you act like a baby who has to be glued to their mom?” Or, when hanging out with friends, they’ll say, “Don’t you think it makes you look trashy when you spend time with your single friends at clubs?”
15. They control the purse strings.
A narcissist might try to keep track of your finances to keep you from your family. They might manipulate you into being financially dependent on them, such as by quitting your job, so you can’t be independent and see your loved ones as much as you want. Or, if they’re in charge of paying the bills, they can use it to their advantage by telling you that you’re overspending on outings with friends and need to restrict your spending.
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