Our relationship with our parents is a complex thing and changes regularly as we get older. So, if you find yourself reflecting on the past, that’s normal. Read on for 15 reasons why you might be feeling distant and disconnected from your family.
1. Times have changed.
You and your siblings no longer live under one roof. Back then, you would see each other every day after school and you’d spend weekends together. Now, you barely get on a group call once a month and it doesn’t feel like it used to.
2. You grew up and that’s bittersweet for them.
As you grow up, you don’t rely on your parents as much as you did when you were younger. When you’re more independent as an adult, it forces your parents to view you as something other than just “their child”—that can be complicated. Not all parents deal well with those feelings of being “less useful,” so just know that the emotional distance is natural.
3. You can’t go back and replicate your memories.
The realization that you’ll never have group family holidays again in the same way (like when you were all stuffed in the same car) is hard to take. It’s a cruel reality of growing up. You’re maturing, and gaining so many other experiences, but you’re leading them this time. It’s bittersweet.
4. Your parents don’t have the same level of influence over your life.
Parents offer us much-needed structure when we’re younger. They provide the emotional and social framework that governs everything we do. However, you just don’t rely on them as much anymore. You both need to reforge a new relationship as equals. Until you do that, you’ll both feel aware of what you’ve lost in the change, rather than what you could gain.
5. You might have memories you’re running away from.
Not everyone had a perfect childhood—far from it. When people can gain independence from their parents—particularly in challenging circumstances—it can be hard to think about getting in touch again. In those cases, reserve that distance for as long as you need.
6. Quality time with your family looks different now.
In the past, your family quality time was a film night, a day out at the theme park, or a family holiday. Now, it’s a FaceTime interrupted by spotty WiFi. It’s just not the same, but you can work at adding depth to that experience, such as planning game nights or other fun activities.
7. Adult schedules make seeing the people you care about hard.
When you’re a kid, spending time together is simply a matter of what and when the parents decide you’re going to do. Nowadays it’s hard to get everyone in one place—and sometimes the best of intentions fall by the wayside because people aren’t available. It intensifies the sense of disconnection.
8. Physical distance contributes to emotional distance.
Physical distance is as much a factor in feeling disconnected from your family as emotional distance. When you move out of the house, often hours away, it makes it hard to feel close to your family. It makes you realize that, maybe you only all hung out because it was convenient. When it’s no longer easy to spend time together, people drop away and stop making the effort. That physical distance unquestioningly causes emotional distance.
9. Your parents might not be sufficiently digitally savvy.
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If you can’t expect a proper callback or text from your parents, then staying in touch will be hard. This is where compromise is required to bridge the gap. Spend some time helping them develop more phone skills and they’ll surely put the effort in.
10. They never come and visit you.
The mentality seems to be, “Well, YOU moved out, so you can come back to visit us,” which can feel a little like an attack (especially if it goes on for a long time). If your parents aren’t putting in the same amount of effort—or mileage—to meet up, it shows that they’re taking you for granted.
11. You’re maturing while they’re getting older.
Personalities are shifting a lot during this period—you’re evolving into a more mature, well-rounded personality, while your parents may be narrowing their field of vision. For example, when you were younger you asked what food was healthy, which politics were “right,” or what car you should get. Once you mature, you can do your own research and may have different opinions than your parents. They may be startled or offended by the different choices that you’re making, just as you look back at their choices and judge them. You may not recognize each other anymore and it creates distance.
12. You’re clashing constantly.
Because of the growing distance and differences in your respective life choices, you’ll find that you’re clashing with your parents even more than during your teenage years. This is likely a response to both parties missing each other, but it doesn’t mean that it hurts any less.
13. It’s hard to balance work, a social life, and catching up with family.
There are unavoidable logistical matters involved when trying to arrange time to meet with your family, no matter how much you want to. It’s frustrating, and it’s always your retired father with no responsibilities who insists that he’s not available on the one day that works for everyone else!
14. You feel like you’re being interviewed every time you call.
If your parents aren’t particularly impressed by the direction your career has taken, it’s unlikely they’ll make any great effort to hide it. They may make passive-aggressive comments like, “Oh you didn’t try for that promotion?”, or, “Your sister made partner last week, what have you done?”. That judgment will carve more distance out of your relationship.
15. You don’t know what’s going on in their lives.
When you aren’t talking regularly, there aren’t as many opportunities to share what’s going on in your lives. When you do meet, you spend so much time planning it and traveling there that you’re exhausted before it even starts. This can cause an even bigger rift with the most important people in your life.
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