Although a narcissist might cut contact with you and act as though they don’t want you in their life, that’s usually not what happens. They want to keep you around because it serves their needs and they will work extra hard at keeping you chained to them for as long as possible. Here are 15 reasons why a narcissist will work hard at keeping you in their life for as long as possible.
1. They have a strong need for narcissistic supply.
“Narcissistic supply” is a term for the pathological need narcissists have for attention and praise from as many people as possible. When they receive validation, it boosts their ego and makes them feel valuable. So, as long as you’re still complimenting them and listening to them, they’ll want to keep you around.
2. They want to control you.
Narcissists want to dominate you. Without you there to manipulate, they’ll feel lost and experience feelings of inferiority, because having power over your life makes them feel worthy. Their immense fear of losing control is a big reason why, after breaking up with them, they’ll try to win you back—it’s all about getting you back under their thumb.
3. They fear being abandoned.
Despite their manipulative behavior and superiority complex, narcissists often experience deep-seated fears of abandonment. So even if they treat you badly, they’ll still cling because they can’t think of anything worse than being alone and/or rejected. They’ll work hard to keep you in the relationship so they don’t have to face a life without you meeting their needs.
4. They lack empathy.
Narcissists don’t understand your emotions, so they can’t acknowledge when you’re feeling stressed or unhappy in the relationship. Therefore, when you try to break up with them, they’ll be shocked or dismiss your feelings. They might even refuse to accept the breakup, not wanting to let you go. It’s always their emotional needs that take precedence over yours.
5. They think they own you.
Narcissists don’t see you as a thinking, feeling person. Instead, they view you as an object or possession that they can control. During your relationship, they worked hard to break down all your boundaries, which made it easier for them to dominate you and assert their needs in place of yours. Because they’re used to being in control, they feel entitled to “own” you and will struggle to let you go.
6. They want to protect their ego.
When you pluck up the courage to end things with a narcissist, it’ll be a huge blow to their ego and self-image. They try so hard to be seen as the perfect person that they can’t fathom a world where someone would walk away from them. That’s why they’ll refuse to let you go, so their greatest fear of being rejected doesn’t become a reality.
7. They want a backup option.
Narcissists always ensure they have someone around to make them feel better about themselves. Even if they’re dating someone new who’s giving them tons of attention, they’ll still want to maintain contact with you. They’re using you as a backup in case the other source dries up and can no longer meet their needs.
8. They have a sick need to make you feel pain.
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You might wonder why a narcissist—who is nothing but mean to you—wants to keep you around. Well, some narcissists are prone to sadistic behavior that can manifest in various forms, like emotional manipulation and physical harm. Witnessing others’ emotional pain reinforces their perception of dominance, providing them with a great sense of satisfaction. It’s sick.
9. They want to feel good by association.
When a narcissist is drawn to someone they admire, they’ll leech on—that’s how they derive their sense of self-worth or satisfaction. So, if you have qualities or achievements that the narcissist envies, like being wealthy, they might try to keep you around so they feel good simply by being connected to you.
10. They struggle to form genuine connections.
Since narcissists are self-absorbed and lack empathy, they don’t find it easy to create emotional connections with others. This could cause them to hold on tightly to the people they already have in their lives so they don’t end up alone. This is also why they’ll love-bomb you when you try to cut them out, reeling you back in so they don’t have to feel rejected.
11. They don’t want to focus on their shortcomings.
If you walk away from a narcissist, it terrifies them. Why? Because it forces them to be alone and deal with their emotions, thoughts, and shortcomings. This is highly distressing to a narcissist, who’s trying to maintain a perfect self-image. Therefore, they might try to keep you around for as long as possible to avoid self-reflection.
12. They hate feeling bored.
Narcissists try to escape boredom as much as possible. This is why they’re always chasing new experiences and finding stimulation in the world around them—they thrive on feeling excited and amped about life. Being alone stresses them out and makes them feel restless, so they’ll go to great lengths to not have to spend time by themselves.
13. They have a false sense of love.
Despite their toxic behavior, narcissists convince themselves that they love you. This is a defense mechanism that protects their fragile self-esteem and helps them maintain their distorted self-image. So, when you break up with them or choose to enforce a no-contact policy, they’ll refuse to accept your choice. They genuinely believe they’re acting out of love instead of selfishness or manipulation.
14. They thrive on feeling victimized.
It’s common for narcissists to behave as though everyone’s out to get them. If you walk away from them, they’ll try to contact you and keep you in their life because they believe that you’re hurting them and this needs to be stopped. They might guilt-trip you into staying by making you feel like you’ve caused them a ton of suffering and need to make up for it.
15. They need you to make their life more convenient.
Narcissists won’t let you go because you make their life easier. Maybe you’ve been paying their rent or doing all the chores in the house. Or, perhaps you’ve been bailing them out of difficult situations. They don’t want to part with these benefits, which is why they’ll want to keep you around. It’s not that they love you, but they love what you do for them.
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