Have you ever been overwhelmed by your emotions and behaved in a way you later regretted? It can feel impossible not to get mad when your coworker doesn’t do their job and you have to pick up the slack or avoid binge eating or shopping when you get sad. According to Walter Mischel, a professor of psychology at Stanford University famous for his marshmallow test, “Self-control is the ability to override a desire or impulsive behavior to achieve a bigger goal.” It’s never too late to develop your self-control. So, here are 15 habits of people who have great self-control.
1. Create a Grounding Practice
Whether it’s meditation, prayer, or getting out in nature, it’s important to take time away from the loud, busyness of everyday life so you can sink into your mind and body and get in touch with who you are. The count-to-ten method of calming down works even better when you’ve practiced beforehand.
2. Engage in active Self-Reflection
Before you can take control of your emotions, you first have to look inside to understand why you are impulsive and emotional. Try writing about a situation where you felt you couldn’t stop a flood of emotions. Ask yourself if there was a point at which you could have stepped away from the situation, taken some deep breaths, or done something else to de-escalate.
3. Cultivate an Inner Circle
One reason you might struggle with self-control is because you felt unsafe as a child. Your guardians were abusive, neglectful, or didn’t give you enough affection. As an adult, you need to find the safe, loving inner circle you didn’t have when you were a child. Their unconditional love and acceptance of where you are in your emotional journey will help you be kind to yourself on your journey of self-discovery.
4. Build a Life You’re Proud Of
The best long-term habit you can get into to gain self-control is to build a life you’re proud of. If you feel like “the grass is always greener” somewhere else, it will be harder for you to regulate emotions of jealousy, anger, and sadness. Instead, just focus on improving your life one day and one small action at a time.
5. Reward Yourself
A secret people with great self-control use is to keep a regular habit of rewarding themselves. They recognize that complete deprivation leads to bad behavior. So, they give themselves little rewards for small achievements towards a larger goal. If you’re trying to stop getting mad every time something out of your control happens at work, reward yourself when you can walk away and cool down. Even though your ultimate goal is not to get mad at all, you deserve a pat on the back for smaller wins.
6. Do regular Solo Activities
Self-regulation begins with you, so it’s important to get into the habit of doing things by yourself, not always dependent on other people. Go for bike rides, walks, or swims. Read your book, play a video game, or write in your journal. Time spent alone develops your relationship with you, and like any intimate friendship, you will listen to your words of comfort and advice even in times of stress.
7. Have a Flexible But Consistent Schedule
Growing up in a chaotic environment where you didn’t know what was going to happen next can affect your ability to make decisions, stay organized, remain focused, and regulate your emotions. Creating stability in your adult life, especially by having a consistent schedule, will give you the headspace to work on you. Your daily schedule doesn’t have to be rigid, but the more predictable, the better.
8. Say “No”
Healthy boundaries free up your time and mental space. You can’t listen to your intuition if it’s always being crowded out by other people’s needs and desires. Saying “no” is extremely difficult for most of us, but just like riding a bike, it gets easier with practice. Start small by saying “no” to low-stakes activities like a last-minute text message from a friend to go out. Then slowly build up to saying “no” to your boss or a family member. And don’t forget to reward yourself along the way.
9. Laugh at Yourself
People with great self-control have learned how to not take life too seriously. When you get wound up about work drama, family obligations, or existential questions, your emotions too easily take over your body and mind. But if you can take a step back every once in a while and laugh at the silliness of life, those emotions can be released.
10. Use a Variety of Emotional Outlets
Like finances, it’s important to diversify your outlets. If your only way to let off steam is through kickboxing, it might be hard to calm down after your uncle says something insensitive at the family Christmas party. But if you can also text your inner circle of friends to vent and take a few minutes in the bathroom to meditate, you are more likely to retain your self-control.
11. Set Goals
A person with great self-control keeps a habit of goal setting because it empowers them. Goals shouldn’t always be given to you by a boss, teacher, or institution. They are more important and meaningful when you set them yourself. Goal setting and completion become practices that help you show yourself again and again that you are capable of making things happen.
12. Get Consistent Sleep
Going to bed and waking up around the same time every day is beneficial for a whole host of reasons, including mental and emotional regulation. Just like a consistent waking schedule, a consistent sleeping schedule creates stability, setting you up for success in controlling your emotions and behaviors.
13. Be intentional
It’s hard to focus on your goals when you have too many relationships or obligations to maintain. Those with great self-control concentrate on the quality over the quantity of people and activities in their lives. Rather than saying yes to everything and doing things randomly as they come up, a person with great self-control picks and chooses their activities and who they do them with carefully.
14. Recognize your Accomplishments
It’s one thing to reward yourself at small milestones to help you reach a goal. But it’s also important to remember the things you have accomplished as you make bigger goals. We easily fall into comparisons when reaching for big goals like getting into a prestigious graduate program, becoming an executive, or starting our own business. You tell yourself that people already living your dream have accomplished so much more than you and fall into self-sabotaging cycles. But by recognizing your past accomplishments, you can control your emotions and achieve your long-term goals.
15. Find Joy in the Everyday
Emotional stability stems from a general contentment with life. A major habit you can implement to feel this contentment is finding joy in everyday occurrences like sunny days, blooming flowers, a compliment from a stranger, hugging a friend, or sitting quietly next to your cat. Changing your perspective from the glass half empty to the glass half full is a great first step towards building habits of self-control.
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