Ever wondered why you keep finding yourself drawn to people who are distant, aloof, or just plain emotionally unavailable? It’s a frustrating pattern, but it might be more common than you think. There could be underlying reasons why you’re unconsciously attracted to these types of partners, and understanding them is the first step towards breaking the cycle.
1. You enjoy the chase.
The thrill of the chase can be intoxicating, HuffPost admits. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they often seem mysterious and intriguing. You might find yourself drawn to the challenge of trying to win them over, even if it means constantly seeking their attention and approval. This can be a sign that you’re more interested in the pursuit than the actual connection.
2. You’re afraid of intimacy.
Emotional unavailability can be a convenient way to avoid intimacy. If you’re scared of getting too close to someone, you might unconsciously seek out partners who are unable or unwilling to open up emotionally. This allows you to maintain a safe distance and avoid vulnerability, but it also prevents you from experiencing deep and meaningful connections.
3. You’re drawn to the “fixer-upper” type.
Some people are drawn to the idea of “fixing” someone. If you believe you can help someone overcome their emotional baggage or change their ways, you might be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. However, this is often a recipe for disappointment and heartache. It’s important to remember that you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.
4. You crave drama and intensity.
Relationships with emotionally unavailable people can be full of ups and downs. The constant back-and-forth, mixed signals, and emotional turmoil can be addictive for some. If you thrive on drama and intensity, you might find yourself drawn to partners who create chaos and unpredictability in your life.
5. You have unresolved childhood wounds.
Our early experiences with caregivers can shape our attachment styles and influence the types of relationships we seek out as adults. If you had emotionally distant or unavailable parents, you might be subconsciously drawn to similar partners. This is known as repetition compulsion, where we unconsciously recreate familiar patterns from our past, even if they’re unhealthy.
6. You’re trying to prove your worth.
If you have low self-esteem, you might believe that you’re not worthy of love or attention. This can lead you to seek validation from emotionally unavailable partners. You might think that if you can win over someone who’s difficult or distant, it will prove your value. However, this is a self-destructive pattern that can further damage your self-worth.
7. You’re afraid of being alone.
The fear of being alone can drive people to settle for less than they deserve. If you’re terrified of being single, you might be more willing to tolerate emotional unavailability in a partner. However, it’s important to remember that being alone is not the same as being lonely. It’s better to be single and happy than in a relationship that leaves you feeling empty and unfulfilled.
8. You mistake intensity for intimacy.
Sometimes, the initial sparks and excitement of a new relationship can be mistaken for genuine intimacy. If you’re used to emotionally unavailable partners, you might confuse the intense feelings of the chase or the drama with a deep emotional connection. It’s important to distinguish between surface-level attraction and true intimacy, which involves vulnerability, trust, and open communication.
9. You feel like you need to “earn” their love.
Emotionally unavailable people often send mixed signals and make you feel like you have to work hard to earn their affection. This can create a cycle of trying harder and harder, only to be met with more distance and withdrawal. It’s important to remember that love should be freely given, not something that needs to be earned or constantly fought for.
10. You’re attracted to the “bad boy” or “ice queen” persona.
There’s something alluring about the aloof, mysterious, or rebellious types. But this allure often masks a deeper emotional unavailability. If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people who fit these archetypes, it might be a sign that you’re subconsciously seeking out partners who are unable to give you the emotional connection you crave.
11. You prioritize their needs over your own.
In a healthy relationship, there’s a balance of give and take. However, if you’re constantly putting your partner’s needs before your own, it could be a sign that you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people. This often stems from a fear of abandonment or a belief that you’re not worthy of having your own needs met.
12. You excuse their bad behavior.
If you find yourself making excuses for your partner’s hurtful actions or words, it’s a red flag. You might rationalize their behavior by saying they’re just stressed, busy, or going through a tough time. However, consistently excusing bad behavior can enable them to continue hurting you and prevent you from recognizing the unhealthy patterns in the relationship.
13. You feel more like their therapist than their partner.
Emotionally unavailable people often struggle to express their emotions and may rely on you to be their sounding board or emotional support system. While it’s important to be there for your partner, it shouldn’t feel like you’re constantly playing the role of their therapist. A healthy relationship involves mutual support and emotional exchange, not a one-sided dynamic.
14. You’re always waiting for them to change.
One of the most common traps people fall into with emotionally unavailable partners is the belief that they will eventually change. You might hold onto the hope that they’ll open up, become more affectionate, or finally commit to the relationship. However, this waiting game can be endless and leave you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, Mark Manson points out. It’s important to accept people for who they are, not who you hope they’ll become.
