They say that misery loves company—but what if you’re the one who enjoys staying stuck there? Here are some signs that you may be reveling in your bummer mood without even realizing it and why it’s time to break free from this cycle.
1. Constant complaining.
If you find yourself always airing grievances and dwelling on what’s wrong rather than what’s right, you might be addicted to the comfort of misery. Venting can absolutely offer temporary relief. Complaining feels cathartic, but it can easily become a habit that keeps you in a continuous negative mindset.
2. Seeking drama.
Some good, heated drama gives you thrills, which is maybe why you like to stir things up. That said, you don’t always have to be the one causing or participating in the drama. Perhaps it’s in your entertainment choices (Who doesn’t love a good reality show, right?) rather than creating your a soap opera with your relationships. No matter how you consume it, being drawn to drama and conflict shows your subconscious desire for chaos and negativity. It might feel like it fuels you, but constantly looking for drama is no good for your well-being.
3. Refusing help.
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Do you consistently reject support or advice from friends or family? It’s not just about being stubborn—it’s a defense mechanism, like a shield to protect what makes you feel comfortable. Accepting help means facing uncomfortable truths and making changes. And at least the misery is yours, right? You’d rather stay in your self-made storm cloud than find happiness that someone else helped you achieve. But what sounds better: Hanging on to your misery because it’s yours, or embracing connections and advice that help you live a happier life?
4. Ignoring solutions.
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When presented with potential solutions to your problems, do you dismiss them? You always seem to come up with a reason why they won’t work. Ignoring solutions allows you to stay in your comfy seat on the pity train and avoid the uncertainty that comes with change. Let go of your attachment to your misery. Change is inevitable; why not take the solution-based route?
5. Self-sabotage.
Are you constantly getting in your own way of success or happiness? Self-sabotage can be a subconscious (or intentional) way of maintaining familiar feelings of failure and disappointment. According to Psychology Today, common types of self-sabotage involve procrastination, perfectionism, and sabotaging relationships, work, finances, and time. C’mon now, you deserve better than that. It’s about time you silence that inner saboteur and step into your greatness. The world is waiting for you to shine.
6. Comparison trap.
Constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling envious of their successes or happiness can keep you in a cycle of dissatisfaction with your life. You convince yourself that everyone else has their life totally together while you’re the only one in a rut. This narrative is an easy way to keep yourself in your comfort zone, where you remind yourself of all the “unattainable” standards just to feel better about not doing anything to reach them.
7. Victim mentality.
Life is out to get you, huh? You perceive yourself as a victim of circumstances beyond your control. Adopting a victim mentality might offer a fleeting escape from responsibility, but it ultimately makes you feel powerless and dissatisfied. While there are a multitude of systemic and situational challenges that absolutely work against us (inflation vs. wage growth—hello?), believing that you are a special kind of victim receiving the short end of every stick will keep you in a sucky state.
8. Cynicism.
Where are the Mirandas out there? (C’mon, we all identify with one of the “Sex and the City” characters, right?). If you find yourself constantly looking at the worst and viewing the world through a cynical lens, you may be feeding into your misery by reinforcing negative beliefs. Listen, I’m a card-carrying member of the cynics club. But here’s the thing… cynicism isn’t just a personality trait—it’s a shield against disappointment. By constantly expecting the worst, we predict our own misery and use it as a defense mechanism to ensure that we’re never going to end up disappointed. We’d rather just put ourselves there first. But think about it: Whether we’re disappointed by ourselves or by outside reasons, both land us in the same place. Give yourself the chance for something better.
9. Avoiding growth.
Venturing outside our comfort zone can feel like diving into the deep end without a life jacket. Avoiding personal growth and shying away from challenges might keep us snug in our unhappy little blanket, but are we really thriving? Probably not. Yes, growth can be tough—but is staying miserable really any easier?
10. Seeking validation through misery.
When you (falsely) believe you have nothing to be proud of, you might find yourself fishing for sympathy or attention by highlighting your struggles or hardships instead. Using misery as a currency for validation might seem like a quick fix for our emotional needs. Sometimes, it feels comforting to have others nod along sympathetically to our tales of woe, almost like they’re giving us a permission slip to stay stuck in our misery. But it’s a slippery slope that only keeps us trapped in the cycle of unhappiness.
11. Grudge holding.
Clinging to grudges and resentments can keep you shackled to past grievances, which stops you from moving forward and finding peace. Sure, there’s a certain satisfaction in replaying how you’ve been wronged. You want a little boost of righteous indignation. It takes the pressure off ourselves and redirects it onto others so you can stay within the security of your torment. But releasing resentments really sets you free. Reclaim your power and your peace.
12. Lacking boundaries.
Suppose you struggle to assert boundaries in your relationships and find yourself constantly being taken advantage of. You may be subconsciously inviting misery into your life by prioritizing others’ needs over your own. Bending backward for other people and not for yourself makes you feel better about playing the martyr. It enables you to say, “I do everything for everybody else, and no one does anything for me!” or “Look how selfless I am—it’s unfair that I never get what I want!” Let’s not be so entitled, now. The universe doesn’t have to fill your cup every time you empty yours into another.
13. Self-deprecating humor.
Making jokes at your own expense is a way of re-framing your misery to feel more acceptable. Others can’t belittle you if you do it first, right? Constantly berating yourself with negative self-talk and self-criticism is a twisted form of comfort, but it’s not uncommon. There’s a strange sense of relief in humorizing our struggles or unhappiness. The loop of self-criticism feels easy—at least easier than going a different route. While it might make us laugh, it reinforces feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.
14. Not caring for yourself.
Taking care of ourselves can be super difficult sometimes. However, self-care is absolutely necessary to find happiness and improve our lives. We all catch ourselves neglecting self-care at times. But if you don’t even try, maybe deep down, you’d prefer to stay miserable.
15. Looking for love? Think it into existence.
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Try our sister site, Sweetn, a new startup that uses science and research to help you transform your love life. Their cool quiz and tools teach you to use your mind to find love. Better yet, it starts to work in just a few weeks. Check it out here.
